On Sunday, June 8, 2014, my entire life was completely turned upside down and it has not been the same since.
I was 15 weeks pregnant. I started having bad stomach cramping so I went to the hospital and explained to them what was going on. I was taken back and put in my own room. They knew that I was pregnant from the moment that I checked in. After about 20 minutes of being in my room, I remember asking my sister to find a nurse and ask them to call my OB/GYN doctor. A nurse came in and said that they were in the middle of shift change so it would be a few minutes before my nurse and the doctor came in. Well, a few minutes turned into 2 1/2 hours. Finally, the nurse came in just to tell me that they have ordered a sonogram and that the lady would be in shortly. Shortly? Yea, right! Another hour or more went by and I asked my nurse to call my OB doctor and no one ever did. I asked them to even call an on-call OB doctor, they never did that either!
The sonographer came in and she started to do my sonogram, I was in so much pain that it was almost impossible to lay still. About half way through the sonogram, I asked her to stop for a minute because I was in so much pain and she stopped and I sat up and I felt something very different than anything I had ever in my life felt before. The only way that I know to describe it is it felt like a balloon popping internally and the pain immediately stopped for like 2 minutes. The sonographer told me to lay back down so she could take a look and see what was going on and when I laid back on the bed, fluid went everywhere.......
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT THAT MY ENTIRE WORLD WAS COMING DOWN ON ME AND THAT EVERY PREGNANT WOMAN'S WORST FEAR HAD JUST BECOME MY REALITY!!!!!!!!!
I freaked out. I was crying hysterically and all I kept saying is, "God, please don't let anything be wrong with my baby!" I said that over and over as my Aunt Ciara was standing next to me holding my hand telling me that everything would be okay...........AND IT WAS FAR FROM BEING OKAY!!!!!!!!
After the fluid came, a large amount of blood followed.
About 30 minutes later, they took me to the pelvic exam room and when I went in there, MY BABY GIRL WAS DELIVERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Immediately, my whole life stopped. My heart momentarily stopped beating. My whole world had come to an end and I knew at that moment that nothing would EVER be the same. I felt like I was never going to be able to live another day. Making it through five minutes felt like eternity.....I just knew that I was going to die. I felt like I was alone. I felt like no one understood the pain and grief and sadness that I was going through. No one would ever be able to understand. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life.
Here it is 24 months later and it still feels like it just happened yesterday. It has not become any easier to deal with, it has only become easier to fake a smile. It is easier to pretend I am fine but there is always a void that will be there.
Everyone says that "everything happens for a reason" and "God knows what he is doing and to just trust in him" but that is all a lie. That is not a rational valid argument. If that were the case, then why did God take a child from me. I am NOT perfect and I know that but I AM a great mother and I loved my child and my oldest child as well. It does not matter where you are financially in life or what other circumstances you may be facing - it does not change that as a mother, you do what you need to do to take care of your child and that you make the best of the cards handed to you. The cards I was dealt was definitely not the hand I wish I had been dealt. This is a pain like no other. This is a pain that no one understands unless they have been through it, however, its a pain that I don't EVER want anyone I love or care about to endure because it is the worst. It is life altering. It is mind altering. It is emotionally altering. It is something that will cause someone to NEVER be the same EVER EVER again. I try to use it to help others but that is even hard because I don't understand why MY child got taken and other mothers get to keep their's when they are AWFUL parents.
24 months later and I have now had a partial hysterectomy and can NEVER have children EVER again. Aaliyah was my last chance - a chance that I will NEVER have again and yet she is the child who's father would have been more than amazing and I could not keep her. I couldn't have her.
Why why why???? That is all I seem to find myself asking. I hav begged and pleaded with God and he just will not answer my questions. I know that one day, it will all make sense - or at least I hope it will BUT right now, it is a fog, it is cloudy. I just don't get it.
I look at the world and society around me and I realize that I am somewhat thankful that I did not have to raise another child in the cruel and hateful society that we live in, however, it does not release or remove the pain and/or void that I have for my daughter.
I was and still am in a desperate state of mind. I so badly just want to see her one more time, want to hold her one more time, want to love and kiss her just one more time. I WILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT EVER AGAIN - or at least, not until I leave this Earth and join her in Heaven one day.
I try to remember that I have a purpose here on Earth which is why I am still here but also, Aaliyah has/had a purpose as well but her purpose was meant to be served in Heaven. As hard as that is to grasp and understand, I know that it is the truth because God does no wrong and He does not let us down. I am just still unsure as to what my purpose is along with Aaliyah's purpose.
Scripture says in Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
- - I know that the Lord is comforting me in every way possible and maybe I am being ignorant or blind to what he is trying to do in my life but I just pray that He leads me in the right direction. I pray that He can keep my mind clear and my thoughts pure. That is the only thing that I can do because unfortunately, losing Aaliyah is a situation that I have no control over.
This is just another thing to add to my face of smiles and heart of scars.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Who I Am!
I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself and who I know I am as a person on the inside and out and who other people think I am or perceive me to be! There are a lot of things that I have really been thinking about in terms of myself and there is a lot that I want to get out there to everyone.
For one, others may not think of me as the person that I actually am but I have learned that what others think about me is not what matters. What I know of myself and what God knows about me is all that really matters. Other people's opinions isn't what counts and it won't be their opinions that I am judged on when it is my judgement day!
What God knows about me and what he has seen of me is all that really matters in life. That is one thing to remember.
When I was a young girl, I struggled with my self-esteem. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't outgoing enough, I was too honest, no one liked me......along with many other feelings. Making friends was hard for me. I was always alone. I was very depressed all the time.
I was raised by my father, whom is absolutely FANTASTIC! He is the best father that anyone could ever ask for. He was married and his wife, my stepmom, was my mother figure. As a young girl, I hit a point where I longed for my biological mother. I wanted my real mother to show me all the things that mothers are supposed to show their little girls.
The communication between my mother and I was very minimal. I did not talk to her much and I did not see her much. I missed her all the time. I had a mother figure but it is not the same as having YOUR mother. There was always an empty space within me that longed for my mom. I remember asking myself why my parents couldn't just be together and why I couldn't see my mom more. Not only did I have an empty space that longed for my mother, my dad worked 2 jobs and went to police academy and so I didn't see him much either. I felt so alone and abandoned.
I remember one year, my dad had to work Shrimp Festival and he was gone for a few days because he was working extremely long hours and Shrimp Fest is in Fernandina Beach and we lived in Jacksonville so it was too much for him to drive back and forth. I remember sitting in my room and crying because I missed him so much! All I wanted was to be a child that had a normal home life like all my friends. One thing that never lacked in my life is love. I always knew that I was loved. For a long time, I did not understand that some people are just better off not together which is why my parents were not together but I still wanted a better relationship with my mom.
I was told all these stories about my mom as a young girl that portrayed my mom as such a bad person and that made her look like she just walked away from me and that she did not love me. That was very hurtful as a kid. I always wondered what really happened between my parents but I knew that I was too young and that it was not something that my dad would discuss with me until I was older.
As my life went on, I endured a lot of internal pain from not having my mom and I wanted her so badly. I wanted her to teach me all the things that moms are supposed to teach their daughters. I didn't have my mom to do my hair and help me get all dressed up for my middle school homecoming dance. I didn't have my mom to braid my hair.
I didn't have her in my life on a regular basis until I was about 13 years old. When my dad got divorced, he met another woman who he married shortly after. Her name was Tina. She pushed me to build a relationship with my mom. She told me that I only had one mom and that I needed to build a strong relationship with her because one day she would be gone and I will wish that I had done things differently.
She had a very good point. Not only did I know that what she was saying was true, I wanted that! I wanted my mom. I wanted to be close to her. I wanted to know what the feeling of having your biological mom was like!
Since then, my mom and I have become extremely close. I moved in with my mom when I was 14 years old. We've been close since I was 13. There was 13 years lost and that is time that we will never be able to get back and I often wonder how things would have been if I would have had her as a bigger part of my childhood but all that matters is that I got to experience.
Better late than never :)
For one, others may not think of me as the person that I actually am but I have learned that what others think about me is not what matters. What I know of myself and what God knows about me is all that really matters. Other people's opinions isn't what counts and it won't be their opinions that I am judged on when it is my judgement day!
What God knows about me and what he has seen of me is all that really matters in life. That is one thing to remember.
When I was a young girl, I struggled with my self-esteem. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't outgoing enough, I was too honest, no one liked me......along with many other feelings. Making friends was hard for me. I was always alone. I was very depressed all the time.
I was raised by my father, whom is absolutely FANTASTIC! He is the best father that anyone could ever ask for. He was married and his wife, my stepmom, was my mother figure. As a young girl, I hit a point where I longed for my biological mother. I wanted my real mother to show me all the things that mothers are supposed to show their little girls.
The communication between my mother and I was very minimal. I did not talk to her much and I did not see her much. I missed her all the time. I had a mother figure but it is not the same as having YOUR mother. There was always an empty space within me that longed for my mom. I remember asking myself why my parents couldn't just be together and why I couldn't see my mom more. Not only did I have an empty space that longed for my mother, my dad worked 2 jobs and went to police academy and so I didn't see him much either. I felt so alone and abandoned.
I remember one year, my dad had to work Shrimp Festival and he was gone for a few days because he was working extremely long hours and Shrimp Fest is in Fernandina Beach and we lived in Jacksonville so it was too much for him to drive back and forth. I remember sitting in my room and crying because I missed him so much! All I wanted was to be a child that had a normal home life like all my friends. One thing that never lacked in my life is love. I always knew that I was loved. For a long time, I did not understand that some people are just better off not together which is why my parents were not together but I still wanted a better relationship with my mom.
I was told all these stories about my mom as a young girl that portrayed my mom as such a bad person and that made her look like she just walked away from me and that she did not love me. That was very hurtful as a kid. I always wondered what really happened between my parents but I knew that I was too young and that it was not something that my dad would discuss with me until I was older.
As my life went on, I endured a lot of internal pain from not having my mom and I wanted her so badly. I wanted her to teach me all the things that moms are supposed to teach their daughters. I didn't have my mom to do my hair and help me get all dressed up for my middle school homecoming dance. I didn't have my mom to braid my hair.
I didn't have her in my life on a regular basis until I was about 13 years old. When my dad got divorced, he met another woman who he married shortly after. Her name was Tina. She pushed me to build a relationship with my mom. She told me that I only had one mom and that I needed to build a strong relationship with her because one day she would be gone and I will wish that I had done things differently.
She had a very good point. Not only did I know that what she was saying was true, I wanted that! I wanted my mom. I wanted to be close to her. I wanted to know what the feeling of having your biological mom was like!
Since then, my mom and I have become extremely close. I moved in with my mom when I was 14 years old. We've been close since I was 13. There was 13 years lost and that is time that we will never be able to get back and I often wonder how things would have been if I would have had her as a bigger part of my childhood but all that matters is that I got to experience.
Better late than never :)
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