Standing In The Mirror...Of Truth

I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind. There has been a lot on my mind for the past few weeks but this morning was much different than most mornings. It was a morning of depression, anxiety, pain, and hurt. A morning full of questions that I had no answers to. I just could not get myself together. I felt tense, on edge, stressed out, and angry.

Then it hit me; I am not satisfied with my life and certain things happening in my life at this time.

I also realized that for the first time in a very long time, I was not happy with myself!

I used to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Destiny, I love you. I love who you are and I love who you've turned out to be!"
.......Well, that is not the case anymore......

I have so much to offer to people and it seems to mean nothing at all. I give my all to everyone and it seems that it backfires in my face every time. I am really getting tired of repeatedly going through the same stuff.

When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of negative things about me; physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I don't see very many positive things about myself.

I want to break down and cry every time I look in the mirror and analyze myself. I know that I am not perfect. I don't have the "dream girl" features. I don't have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not 5'11" and 155 pounds. I am not the poster model girl.

With that being said, I know that on the inside, I have a lot to offer. I am not happy with my outer appearance and there are a lot of things that I don't like about my personality or myself as far as girlfriend material.

There are some people who like who I am all the way around BUT they are either taken or jerks!

I wrote a blog post prior to this one about being in second place. Well, I am still there. I will probably never be in first place with that particular person and I've come to realize that. That situation is a lot of what made me start questioning everything. It made me question everything. And once I started thinking about my life as a whole, I questioned every other aspect of my life too. Myself as a mother, myself as a person, myself as an employee, myself as a daughter, myself as a big sister, myself as a friend, my spiritual faith

I started thinking about past relationships, past family issues (one in particular was when I found out I was pregnant), just everything that pertains to my life....I questioned. I hate being down and depressed, I hate being sad, I hate crying, I hate it all! It is awful. I just want happiness.

I want peace to be my reality.....I've said that many times before and I am sure that I will say it a lot more throughout my life!

At this current moment, peace is far from my reality! Right now, I am fighting an internal battle within myself.

A lot of people don't know what I am going through just by looking at me......

Everyone thinks I am fine, but I am really not!

One thing that I have learned in the past 10 months is that nothing else matter except the truth!

With that being said, there is only one person whose words are the truth and only the truth........God!

With doing a little bit of Bible study, this is the realization that I've come to:

I like to think about the truth that God tells me and spend my time thinking about what God says is true. My confidence and hope is in God. I know that instead of being a mistake, I am the Lord's treasured possession. As I was standing in that mirror this morning, I saw nothing positive. I was questioning everything, including my spiritual faith. The past 10 months have been really rough for me and it has been an emotional roller coaster. I've experienced more pain, heartache, people close to me walking away from me, loss of relationships, negative thoughts about myself, feeling and thinking that I am not good enough, and pure sadness! The only good thing that has happened in the last 10 months is the birth and life of my precious daughter; my little angel! I've been through two break-ups, family issues and struggles, the stress of being a single mom, the stress of not only being a single mom but being a single mom and working at a crappy paying job, the stress from living at home (because I cannot afford to live on my own with the crappy paying job that I have), and the list goes on and on. The one thing that sent me over the edge most recently was the whole situation with the guy that I am talking to and me being the "other girl!" When I started questioning my spiritual faith and my relationship with God, I knew that what I was going through was serious. One thing that I struggle with the most is the way that I view myself. I view myself very negatively. The negative outlook on myself hinders a lot of other aspects of my life. One thing I had to keep in mind is that no matter what I or anyone else says about me, God only speaks the truth.

Understanding that has made a huge difference in my life. I recognize that God has a plan for my life, and He created me just the way that I am for His special purpose. I may not like the plan that God has set forth for me, I may not think that it is the right plan for me but when you believe in His word, you put trust in Him and you must recognize that He will never lead you somewhere that you don't belong. In my hardest time, the Lord has showed me that I am nothing less than a blessing and a gift. We all have a choice and we are the only ones who can make that choice. We have the choice to either believe and fill our minds and hearts with God's truth or listen to other people, and sometimes our own negativity and be sad and miserable. Listening to God's truth is not always easy. Sometimes it may hurt, because the truth is not always pleasant. I've quickly realized that God made me the way he wanted me. He made me to serve a purpose and I am the only one that can serve out that purpose! If I spend my time wishing I was different, or wishing I looked different, then I will never get around to accomplishing the things that God created me to do.

Satan will do anything in his power to get you side tracked and prohibit you from fulfilling the Lord's purpose for you! John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest." Satan is a great manipulator! He is easy to fall into. He's a smooth criminal. Staying focused is the key. When Satan implants lies into my mind, I beat him over the head with the truth of God (God's Word)! God has given me a specific purpose and He has given me a specific purpose and He has given me talents and my desire is to glorify Him by utilizing the gifts/talents He's given me and to serve His purpose for me!

I make mistakes all the time, everyone does BUT God does not. Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding." Jesus is my best friend. I love Him! I am fully His! The most important thing in my life is to please Him and share His word with others. The most truthful person is God and He will always be the most truthful!

Believe in Him and turn to Him!

He's always there and He will never let you down!

To Alana....From Mommy

Dear Alana,                       11-22-13

 

 
   I am writing this letter to you because I want you to know how much your mommy loves you and how much being a strong, independent, protective, and solid mother means to me! I want you to know how important your childhood and future means to me! You only get one childhood and I want to make it the best that it can possibly be. I want to do things right the first time. I want you to grow up to be a successful, intelligent, and independent young woman who is fearless! Being fearless is something important to me. I don't want to look back on your childhood and my parenting and have any regrets! I want you to be able to say that you have the best mother ever. You are 2 weeks away from being 10 months old at this current moment. There was so much inspiration behind this letter!
   Yesterday, November 21, 2013, you and I were sitting in the recliner playing and laughing and you suddenly gave me a look that was different from any look that you had ever given me. You've always given me a look of pure love, trust, and loyalty but there was something about this look that was so different from all the other ones. It stole my heart and it started making me think about you, your life, me (in every aspect but mainly as a mother). I really started thinking about all the things that I would say to you and promise to you if you were old enough to understand and then that encouraged me to write you a letter and also post it to my blog that I started a month or two ago. Hopefully, one day I will be able to give this letter to you for you to always be able to hold onto!
   First off, I want to start off by saying that I love you unconditionally! Since birth, it has been you and I and we have always stuck together and never left each other's side. You are a mommy's girl at heart and I enjoy every second of it. I am truly blessed to have you and when we have no one else, you can always count on mommy. I am not going ANYWHERE! You will forever have me by your side. There are a couple things that I want to promise you in this letter.
   One thing that I want to promise you is trust and an unbreakable bond. I will never betray you, lie to you, or turn my back on you! You will always have me. Whether it is in a time of need or just as your mother and the person that you look up to, you will have me. I cannot imagine how untrustworthy people will be when you are older. People now are hard to trust and you don't find very many people that are true and genuine. I just hope that you remember that mommy will always be here. I will always be true to you and I will always support you in whatever you do.
   Next, I want to promise you structure and discipline. You will get in trouble from time to time and you will push mommy's patience from time to time; that is all part of being a kid. I will get upset with you. You will disappoint me. I will get angry sometimes, I'm sure, but I want you to know that just because I am upset, disappointed, angry, etc. with you that I do NOT love you any less. I am sure that you will have your fair share of spankings/disciplinary action and once again, I want you to realize that spanking is only for your good and that I do NOT love you any less. I promise to provide you with stability and structure. I want home to be a loving and happy place for you. I want our relationship to be strong but you must realize that I am your MOTHER first and your FRIEND second. 
   Third, I want to promise you love. There is nothing greater in this world than love. You will always receive love and it will always be unconditional. No matter how much you disappoint me or make me angry, I will always love you.
   Respect is another thing that I promise to you. Respect is a two way street in life! You must give it to receive it and the same goes for me. I will always respect you even in the hardest and most disappointing times. 
   Honesty is the best policy. Remember that. I will always be honest with you. There is a lot for you to know and learn throughout your life and there is a right time for everything so when the time is right, I will always be honest with you about anything that I feel you need to know and about anything that you want to know. I promise to never keep anything from you. With that being said, there are some things that might be a little hurtful for you and I want you to promise me that when that information is given to you that you use it as motivation to become a stronger and more powerful person. I don't want things that have happened in the past to be a barricade in your path of life. There are a lot of things that have happened long before you were old enough to remember and I want you to understand that no matter what has happened, mommy has always been here and that is what I will continue to do and we have been fine up until this point and we will continue to be fine.
   Strength. I promise to be strong for you above all. Even in my hardest times, I promise to keep things together and keep a strong foundation for you. No matter how I am feeling, I promise to never allow my emotions to hinder you in any way! Strength is something important to have throughout life. You will one day see how important strength is.
   Be fearless! Being fearless means to never let the fear or the cause of it take the better of me. Being fearless does not always mean complete absence of fear. It often means that you have the courage to smile and hope on the darkest of days. And when every thing is falling apart, you have the knowledge that God is guiding you and loves you. The faith that God is there even if no one else is makes me fearless and I hope that it makes you fearless as well baby girl. God is always there and he will never let you fall. He will always be there to catch you when no one else is.
   I promise to always make you my top priority. No one will EVER come before you. You come first and I will make sure that never changes.
   I promise to never put the responsibility of being your mother off on anyone else because it is no one else's responsibility to care for you, provide for you, etc. That is solely my responsibility as your parent. I will never put off my responsibilities on someone else.

   Protection. I promise to be your protector above all things. I will not allow anyone to hurt you. I will not allow anyone to mistreat you. I will not allow anyone to use you or take advantage of you. I am your security blanket. When you need me to protect you, I will be there. When you are frightened, mommy will be there to hold you and comfort you. I will never let you down. 
   Courage, I promise to teach you how to be courageous. Never let anything defeat you no matter how big or small it seems. This kind of goes with the being fearless. Courage is a huge thing in life. There will be a lot of times throughout your life that you will be scared to do certain things. But just remember, be courageous and never give up! Go at it head on! And conquer!
   Most of all, I promise that I will be there for you no matter how old you are. I will love you for you and I will accept you for who you are. I may not agree with or like what you are doing but I promise to still love you through it and accept you for whatever choices you make. I promise to not be selfish or hypocritical. I know that I made mistakes as a kid and that I have done things in my life that were wrong and I know that at some point, you will do the same but I can promise you that it will be handled accordingly and that I will still love you. My love for you is unconditional and it is an everlasting love. It is a love that will not fade or die. It is a love that will not be taken from either one of us. It is a love that will forever burn strong. But most of all, it is a love that will overpower any other love that I will ever have for anyone else. The love that I have for you is different than any other kind of love. It is a love that words cannot express. It is special. It is sacred and I will not allow it to be taken from me or from you. 

I love you and this is my promise to you as your mother! I hope that one day you can look back on this letter and read it and you will be able to say that I have kept every promise that I have made to you. You don't know how much you mean to me or what I would do to make sure that you are taken care of and protected. I would sacrifice my own life for you. You are number one in my life. 

I cannot wait until you get older and can understand more because the thought of what our relationship will be is absolutely beautiful!

I love you Alana! Forever and always!

Love Always,

Mommy

Austin Blake Smith......Ohhh, How I Miss You!

Thirteen years ago, my daddy and his wife (now they are divorced) found out that they were granted with one of the most beautiful gifts ever created; another life. 

There were a lot of things going on in the Smith Household and there was a lot of happiness, joy, smiles, laughter, and excitement. 

I was only eight years old.

I was so excited. I couldn't believe that I was going to be a big sister. 

I was an only child (and although I loved being the only child, I wanted a baby brother or sister). 

The thought of having a baby brother or sister was the most exciting thought ever. It was something that I had always dreamed of and I always asked my daddy when he was going to have another baby.

Well, it happened. Yay!

The pregnancy was going great. Things at home were great. I don't think that what was going on really set in for me because I was so excited and having a baby brother or sister was something that I could never fathom (probably due to the fact that I was eight and had always been an only child). 

Days passed.....

Months passed.....

Well, it was Valentine's Day (February 14, 2001). 

I was in the third grade. I had Mrs. Pickett. She was an amazing teacher.

I was so excited about Valentine's Day! It was a day of eating candy and sharing Valentine's with your friends and classmates. We were having a class party and I was super excited. 

The day was going wonderful. We did our work for the day and then the class party started. I got to spend time with friends and classmates and well, I was only eight so it seemed like a huge deal.

The school day was almost over....I looked up and saw my dad standing at the door of my classroom.

"Hmmm...Odd", I thought....my dad worked a lot and he never came to my school...unless I was in trouble!

So I internally panicked! I started retracing the events of the day to see if maybe I had done something bad that I was going to be in trouble for! 

I couldn't think of anything that I could have been in trouble for so I played it off....however, it was nice and quite exciting to see my daddy at my school (and it meant a lot to me, especially since my dad is my EVERYTHING)!

My dad continued to talk to my teacher for what felt like eternity and then finally he motioned for me to come to him.

I walked over to him and my teacher (internally frightened)

My dad looked at me and said, "I am here to pick you up"

At that point, I became really scared. 

As we were driving home, I looked over at my dad and he had an expression on his face that I had never seen before....it frightened me even more. Nothing about that five minute car ride home was soothing...at all!

Due to the expression on my dad's face, I asked dad if everything was okay and he said that he would talk to me when we got home. 

Children have very strong instincts and they can sense when things are wrong.

I looked at dad and said, "Is something wrong with Bubba?"

At that very moment, I saw nothing but pain and despair in my dad's eyes. 

His look portrayed a void, an emptiness, and a crushed heart.

When we got to the house, I got out of the car and I walked in the house and my step mom was pacing through the house absolutely hysterical.

I asked dad what in the world was going on and he told me to come to him.

I walked over to him and sat on his lap and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me the words that I dreaded to hear:

"Desi, Austin didn't make it. He passed away and Tara's belly!"

I lost all control....I was devastated. I cried and asked God why! I didn't understand. 

I was young and I asked my daddy why God would take him from us. Austin was His (God's) child too so why would he take him.......

At that point, I had encountered the worst feeling that I have ever felt in my entire life.

I was young and confused! I didn't understand! I thought God was mean for taking my baby brother. It was just absolutely awful!

That night was emotional torture. It was hell!

Dad told me that Tara would be going to the hospital really early the next morning to give birth to Austin....

Me being so young and not understanding what the process was, I asked daddy if Austin was alive again! He told me no but that he has to come out of Tara's belly...he can't stay in there cause it will make Tara extremely sick.

The next morning, we all got up extremely early and loaded up to go to Memorial Hospital.

They induced Tara and hours and hours went by.....

I finally fell asleep in the waiting room.....

I woke up to my daddy telling me that Austin was born......Tara had given birth!

I was crushed! 

I wanted to see him, hold him, touch him, kiss him, love him, and all the other things that come with being a big sister......

Then reality hit......all of it would only be temporary!

My dad told me that seeing Austin would be too much for me to handle emotionally.....

I was told that he was handsome, fully developed, and he looked like an angel!

Although my dad was probably right when he told me that it was too much for me to handle cause I was so young, I still wanted to see him. It was so hard to know that I would not be able to see him!

That was probably the hardest thing that I have ever experienced throughout my life. It was awful!

I have struggled with his loss for 12 years. It has not become an easier over the years. In fact, I think the pain gets stronger with the older that I get. 

I sit and think about him all the time and where he would be right now!

I think about whether he would be with my dad or Tara, I think about whether he would be playing football or baseball, I think about how he would be doing in school, I think about him and I horse playing and wrestling, I think about him horse playing and wrestling with OUR daddy, I think about how much of an amazing father he would have.....and the list goes on and on! 

It is so sad! I wish that all of these things were reality and not just thoughts....

The worst part is, I can actually picture all these things. 

Mine and Austins' dad is an amazing person. He is strong, successful, determined, persistent, etc. 

I know that Austin would have turned out to be an amazing young man and that when he grew up and became an adult that he would be an awesome, nice, polite, kind, and generous man as well! He would have been a lot like our daddy...I just know it!

I know that my dad misses him a lot too.

I don't get to go see him as much as I would like and I know that our daddy doesn't get to go to his grave and see him as much as he would like but we never forget him and he is constantly in our thoughts and prayers. 

I know that my Bubba is up in Heaven and he is absolutely enjoying himself. I wish that I could take a trip to Heaven to meet him and spend time with him.....

One day, I will have the opportunity to be with him and do all the things that we should have done as kids and growing up throughout our life. 

On February 1st, 2013, Austin became an uncle. I know that my Bubba played a part in blessing me with Alana and I know that he was with me in my hospital room the day that I gave birth. 

I could not see him but I could feel him. I know that he was watching over me and making sure that I had an easy delivery and I know that he looks over Alana every day and that he blesses her.

He protects us.

I also know that he looks over our daddy. I bet he rides shotgun in daddy's patrol car every night and makes sure that he stays safe while he is at work and risking his life to help, save, protect, and serve, the citizens in our community. 

I know that Austin is proud of our daddy and that he played a big part in daddy being able to have the career that he always wanted and always dreamed of having! 

Sometimes, I think that we lose focus of what Austin actually does for our lives but we cannot forget about him and I never will. I just wish that I could see how handsome he has grown up to be. 

The holidays are the worst. Valentine's Day (the day we found out he was gone) is absolutely horrible, I hate Valentine's Day :(

His birthday is 14 days after Alana's and those are depressing as well. Ughh I just wish that he could be here to share those special times with us and our family.

One thing I want him to know is that he is not loved any less just because he is not here with us.

We love him unconditionally just like we would have if God would not have taken him from us.

One thing that I have to remember and that I also have to tell myself frequently is this, "Even though we want him to be here with us and even though we miss him dearly, God needed him for a better purpose!" 

I know that Austin has done some pretty amazing things in Heaven and I know that he has and is fulfilling his purpose.

Heaven is a much safer place than here. 

God needed an angel.....just so happens, He had to take ours!

Austin, sissy loves you and your niece loves you and we will never ever forget about you. You are in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers and we will see you one day! I love you and be good up there! Serve your purpose Bubba and be a voice for others.....continue watching over the family and keeping us safe. 

And please keep daddy safe at work!

Tired of Trying....Faith Is All That I Have Left To Hold Onto!

Good morning world!

Wow. So this morning has been a morning full of thought. (This was written a few days ago...I just added more to it this morning)

There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my soul this morning. I usually don't wake up with a mind full of stuff but for some reason this morning I have a lot on my mind. I've been strongly thinking about the situation with my high school love. There is so much going on and at one point in time, we were extremely happy. 

Everything was perfect.

But since June, everything has done a 360. 

He started "having doubts" and broke up with me for whatever reason!

He said that he still wants to be Alana's father figure but as far as him and I, we needed to back up. 

He left me with no explanation at all......Nothing

That was and is the hardest part!

All I wanted was an explanation.....a reason....SAY SOMETHING.....ANYTHING! 

But I didn't even get that......do you really not have enough respect for me to at least give me an explanation?! 

It is really frustrating.

The thing that is even more confusing about the whole situation is how random it was. 

Pretty much what happened was I started noticing that things were different. It wasn't anything huge, but little things that meant a lot to me were different. He had stopped doing certain things and such. 

It scared me....I was nervous. 

Especially since the past that we had and I waited for him and there was always a piece of me that was holding onto him and I always prayed and dreamed that I would be with him and after 4 years of desperation, we finally got together and to be quite frank; the thought of losing him was an immortal fear!

When we got together, EVERYTHING was perfect! We never argued, I loved being around him and hated being away from him....it was the absolute best time of my life (at that moment in my life)...

Then all of the sudden, things changed. Things like, him saying I love you, us spending time together, etc. He was SO busy with something that he is involved in and I started to feel like it was an excuse. Like he was using that as a reason to be too busy to spend time with Alana and I! It was so disheartening. I could not stand it.

I was terrified to ask if everything was okay because I think that there was a part of me that knew that I was going to get an answer that I really didn't want. Sooo....I prolonged asking "the question" for as long as I could. When it got to a point that I could not stand it anymore (but I was still too terrified to ask anything), I just changed the signature on my phone that shows when I send a text message.

Somehow, I thought that it would spark the conversation and that I would get the answers that I was looking for from the signature change.

Well, he noticed that I had changed it. 

He asked me about the change in my signature via text. 

When he asked me about it, reality set in and I just told him that I was fine and that my signature was not in regards to anything specific but just life in general! And then I said, "Everything is fine as far as I know, unless you know something that I don't!" 

His snotty response was, "It's your signature, what would I know?"

I was thinking...why is he getting rude? There is no need to be rude!

He called me.....he said, "I noticed that you changed your signature and I was just making sure that everything was okay and that it wasn't about something to do with our relationship!"

Well, that should have been my opening to tell him how I was feeling.....but once again, the thought of telling him how I was feeling and him walking away was absolutely terrifying! I could not stomach the thought!

I said, "Nope, nothing to do with our relationship! I am fine!"

And that was the end of our conversation. 

So naturally, at that point, I thought that everything was fine! I was relieved and felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off my shoulders!

Well, for the rest of the day we texted back and forth and everything seemed fine!

That night, it went back to being absolutely weird....he was being really short and everything. 

I hated it when he would get like that!

Finally....I had enough. 

I could NOT take it anymore!

I finally broke down and asked the question.....

My exact message said, "Babe are you sure that everything between you and I are okay on your end?"

And that was where my heartache began......he text back and said, "I mean, to be honest, I want to continue being Alana's father but I am having doubts about you and I!"

That was the message that I was hoping to never get.....and unlucky me got it.....

I was heartbroken by him for now the 2nd time......

I was experiencing a feeling that I was hoping to not experience with him ever again.....

After that, we did not speak for a month and a half...I would text him every once in a while and I would never get a response, I would call here and there and I would never get a response, he didn't even bother to call and check on Alana at all and see how she was doing; NOTHING....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! 

For a minute, I started to feel like I was dealing with EJ again and once I start getting that feeling, it is NEVER good......

In August, I randomly got a text from him asking me how I was doing and how I had been doing, asking about how Alana was doing, etc. I was absolutely floored to be hearing from him. He pulled the whole, I miss you thing and asked if we could meet up. I went and met up with him and spent about 2 hours or so with him. 

It went well.

I felt like I did when we first got together except for I knew when I left from being with him that I would be back to square one!

Time went on and I was texting him all the time and sometimes I would get a response and sometimes I wouldn't but it was more likely that I didn't get a response versus getting one....

He would text me after not hearing from me for days and days and be like, "I haven't heard from you. I was getting worried. Is everything okay?"

Wow, really? What if everything wasn't okay? What if something happened to me? What if this, what if that? Those are all the things that I would say to myself. 

You weren't too worried about me when you didn't hear from me but yet it takes 3 or 4 days of not hearing from me before you become worried? That is wonderful!

And then I started to ask myself, "Why is it that I always have to make the initial effort in communication?" "Why can't he take 2 seconds to call or text me and see how I am doing?" 

Instead, you wait to hear from me.......really freaking lovely!

That is what you do with someone who you "love"? Wow, how times have changed!

That went on for a while and I finally started to really sit down and think about it and think about what I wanted out of life for Alana and myself but Alana first and foremost. 

I had many conversations with my best friend, Danielle, about this whole situation and she really helped me process things (oh goodness, what would I do without Danielle). She is almost like a superhero and a savior. She is the greatest and gosh, I don't know what I would do without her!

This is the realization that I came to (as hurtful as it is).....

First, I love him and I know that he loves me, however, I love him a lot more than he loves me! I realized that I would have sacrificed and given ANYTHING (probably too much) to be with him and make him happy and keep everything going strong. I changed a lot of things that I used to do in hopes that it would make things better and we could work things out. I practically changed who I am as a person which is totally unacceptable. I want to be able to be myself and be real, not have to live a double personality. Secondly, I realized that I was putting in entirely too much effort (which is why I quit trying so hard to communicate with him). All the things that he says on a daily basis are all the things that he did not do! I was so confused. Third, he made me make promises to him that he couldn't keep towards me. For example, he made me promise to never take Alana from him; yet, he distanced himself from Alana. There were many more to go along with that! 

I then started to think about a conversation that him and I had not too long ago. 

I asked him if he ever saw us being back together. I only asked him that question because I needed to know what kind of path we were on. I needed to know if there was even a chance before I started putting my life on hold or moving on in life. I just needed to know something. Anything.

His response to me was, let's see what the future holds. Whatever happens, happens........

At that moment, I was even more crushed than I was to begin with. 

It took me a few days to process that. Once again, I turned to Danielle (my savior) and talked with her about it and she really helped me process everything like she always does. She pointed out a lot of things and the final realization that I came to on the response that I got from him was this (and this is written as me talking to myself in my head): It is not fair to me to put my life on hold for something that has no concrete foundation of working or ever happening. He is selfish and he is using the "whatever happens, happens" as a safety net so that way he doesn't have to take the blame for hurting me when I get hurt AGAIN! He can use that line and then when things don't work or absolutely nothing stems from us, then he can say, "Well, I told you to lets just see what the future holds and whatever happens, happens!" That is so selfish and he is self-centered and clearly does not care about anyone but himself! What a butt hole...ugh! There is obviously no path or direction and I cannot continue to live this way. I need happiness. I need strength and stability in a relationship and all the other areas that come with this thing called life. I need someone who loves and cares about me and my daughter! I don't want someone to support Alana because she is solely MY responsibility BUT I need someone who is accepting of her and who loves her and cares about her well-being and her life. I need someone who understands me. I need someone who understands what it is like to be a parent. I need someone is not selfish and who is willing to give themselves and all of themselves to me and ONLY me. I need someone who is comforting and willing to be true, honest, and loyal. These are the things that I need. I cannot continue to hold on to absolutely nothing. I cannot continue to put everything into nothing. I need a direction, a path, a plan.....and with him, I have none of the above! I am in the dark trying to find my way all on my own in a situation that takes 2 people! I am officially moving on. I am not holding onto that anymore. I am not going to postpone my life and miss other potentially great opportunities and experiences. I am not going to allow him to use me for his convenience. I am not going to allow him to keep hurting me. I am putting a stop to all of it. No more calling him. No more texting him. No more trying to make arrangements to see him. No more of any effort at all! As hard as it is, it is something that I have to do. It is something that I need to do. It is not because I feel like being that way to be rude or spiteful; it is strictly for my own sanity. I need to have sanity above all things and if I don't make this extremely hard decision and do what I know I need to do then I will never have sanity and I will never have peace. 

Peace has to be my reality. And this is possible, partially at my expense!

On top of that, if I continue to allow things to be the way that they are right now then I will be the one that ends up devastated and destroyed. And.....he will always feel like I am "plan b" and that is not how this is going to work. I refuse to be treated unfair and I refuse to be used. We teach others how to treat us! I cannot allow myself to be a plan b for anyone. That is not fair!

When I first came to this realization, I thought that I was being self-centered and selfish but now that I look back on it; I am not the selfish or self-centered one....HE IS! He is the one that is only worried about himself. 

There is slowly a lot of resentment and harsh feelings that are stemming from this and I don't want to feel that way towards him because I do withhold a lot of love and feelings for him, but I have to set boundaries and limitations somewhere........

AND...IT BEGINS NOW!

I want to leave you with this:

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. -Hebrew 11:1-

Everyone Wants to Be A Winner.....2nd Place Is Not Good Enough!

Have you ever been in a race, competition, etc.?

If so, how well did you want to do? What place did you want to be in?

Now, think about a time where you didn't win and you came in 2nd place.....how did you feel?

Crappy right? You felt like least best, right? Or you felt like you came up short, right?

Sure.....of course you did. That is a natural feeling!

No one is ever satisfied with being in 2nd place. Everyone wants to be #1.

Well, that is kind of how a relationship, or a potential relationship is as well......you want to be first and you want to be the only......therefore, you want to be #1!!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever experienced a time where you had extremely strong feelings for someone but they were at a different place in life, whether it be that they are in a relationship, they don't want a relationship, etc.?

Well unfortunately that is never a fun place to be in.

In fact, being in that place could potentially be very hurtful!

Have you ever been the "other girl"?

I have and it is the worst feeling in the world! Not only does it hurt you emotionally because all you can do is think about the fact that what you and that other person share, is also being shared with someone else.

It is not something that you think about intentionally, it is totally subconscious!!!!

I have been there and it is the absolute worst!

It is against all things that I believe in and it is against all morals that I have. The thought of enabling someone to be unfaithful to their other half is the worst feeling ever, especially if you've ever been cheated on and know how it feels to be cheated on (and I have experienced that as well).

With that being said, I've been the other woman. I felt bad, I wanted it to be something more. I still want it to be something more. I am not sure if it ever will be but if it is ever anything more, I am almost positive that I would be the happiest that I've ever been!

This person and I are so close; emotionally, mentally, physically, etc.

It is a struggle that I face and deal with every day! It is something that I think about every day constantly.

It is so hard not to think about it.

I am terrified to start talking to someone else because I don't want to miss the chance if it is ever available.

Okay...I admit it......

.........I LOVE THIS PERSON.........

Whole-heartedly, passionately, 100%.......

I cannot go without talking to this person.....

Oh no! What do I do now?

The thought of cutting all ties is terrifying. I cannot stand the thought of it.

Waiting? Oh gosh! That thought is a bit scary too considering the last time I waited for someone, I got completely crushed.

I am just torn.

So many options but they are all not the one that I want! Why can't things just be perfect all the time?

Why can't everything go the way that you want them to go?

Why can't his situation be different? Why can't he be single?

On a good note, things are not good with his situation BUT if it ends then what will happen between him and I?

Would we be together? Would he find someone else? Am I going to get hurt from this situation?

What about all the things that I'm terrified of actually happening?

Then what do I do?

What if I don't wait and keep myself available and I miss the opportunity??

I am a firm believer that if it is meant to happen and it is God's plan then that is what will happen, however, I know deep down inside that he would make me more than happy.

He is perfect (for me anyways), he has everything that I look for in a man, he does everything that I have ever wanted any man to do!

I just don't know what in the world to do!

This is when I turn to God (more so than ever)...this is when I need His help. This is when I feel needy and selfish!

This is not the cards that I want BUT these are the ones that I have been dealt! Unfortunately.....

I love God....and I know that He loves me BUT....I also know that what is occurring at this moment is not okay and it is not acceptable!

I cannot even believe that I am in this situation especially since I have been cheated on.

It is a really bad situation to be in and there are so many conflicting emotions and thoughts that go with it. I just don't understand why me of all people has to go through this.

It is so hard to pull away but I am so attached.

I don't want to cut ties because I am terrified of it ruining everything. If I ruin everything then if and when the opportunity is ever available....well, then I have missed it!

If I hold on and see where things go then what if it never goes anywhere? Then I'm left heartbroken....it is a crappy situation to be in.

It is a huge emotional risk that I am taking either route that I go!

I am at a fork in the road......I am on a road in the middle of nowhere. Not a place that is familiar. It is pretty foggy out here. The visibility is not the best! I can't see far ahead. Not sure where either road (left or right) will take me. Do I just stand here and hope that things become more clear? Or....do I choose a path and take it? If you were on a foggy street in an unfamiliar place, would you stand there and wait for the fog to clear or would you take the chance and choose a road and take it? Tough decision.

If I chance it and just choose a path then I am left with all of the "What If" questions. If I just stand there and wait for the fog to clear then I am taking the chance of missing out on something that "could" be better!

*Sigh*

At this moment, I am not sure where I should go......so for the time being, I will just stand here and hopefully the fog clears sooner than later.......

When I process this whole situation a little more, I will write another blog about where things ended up and what I learned from this experience....

The only thing that I've learned thus far is that love SUCKS sometimes and it is one of the most tricky things to be faced with......

I will continue to seek God during this time and I will continue to pray that he shows me guidance.

Hopefully I end up where I WANT to be.....BUT.....if I don't then at least I know that where ever I end up is where I am SUPPOSED to be!

*****Thanks to everyone who has been reading these. Sorry that I have not posted one sooner than this but there has been a lot of craziness in my life and I have not had the time. For the ones who read this or are reading this, I want to say thank you. This has been an amazing experience. This blog is going further than I ever thought that it would. I am so blessed. Please continue to read my blogs. Feel free to become a "Follower" of them and also please make sure that you share them with others. Also, feel free to comment (only if it is positive), share, etc. I appreciate every one's support!