Who Is Your Significant Other? Me or Video Games?

Well, I must start off by saying that I was not originally going to write a new post tonight but I got on Facebook a little while ago and saw a status from a friend of mine. Her status said, "Sadly To Say That My Relationship Of 7 Years Had To Come To An End. Im Just Not Going To Live The Rest Of My Life, Unhappy. I Will Always Love And Care For Him Regardless Of What Happens. Its Time To Do Me And Figure Out What My Future Holds, And See Where Things Go. Im Def Not Looking For A Relationship Anytime Soon </3 #depressed" The moment that I saw this, I was so saddened. 7 years?? That is a long time. That is how long my ex and I were together. Investing 7 years into someone and sharing 7 years of your life with someone is huge, especially sharing the most important 7 years of your life with that person. 

Well, considering that she is like family and her and I grew up together, I knew that I had to write her in a private message and check on her. When I saw the status, something in my heart told me that this was a chance for me to be able to pass advice, encouragement, and strength onto someone else. God really works wonders. He spoke to me, He told me to check on her and make sure that "my sister" was ok. 

I listened.....(btw...always listen to your Father (God) He never tells you ANYTHING wrong)

I was able to help! Best feeling in the world!

I've been through a lot of hard times and emotional situations in my life and I have always prayed that God would allow me to use my experiences to touch someone's lives and just when I thought He wasn't listening, He surprised me and showed me that he was and since I have been back "in touch" with Him, my experiences have been able to help others a lot....which just confirms that God really listens to us and makes things happen; if they're meant to happen.

Soooo I messaged my friend and asked what in the world happened and she told me that her and her boyfriend broke up because he never pays her attention and he is always playing video games. Instantly when she told me that, I thought about Terry and I. Him and I split up almost 2 years ago because he never paid any attention to me, he was always blowing me off and all of this was a result of him being extremely addicted to video games. I was touched the moment that she told me that I just knew that I had to share my experience with Terry with her.....

I could sooo totally relate to what she was going through....

I was in shock that someone else was going through the same thing because I thought that my situation with Terry was so odd and unique and that no one else had that issue...but I realized tonight that I was wrong.

My heart definitely felt for her....

This was my situation with Terry:
Him and I got together really young (I was 13 and he was 16). We were young and thought we were in love. When we first got together, everything was great. I was in heaven and he seemed to be. He did like to play video games though but that wasn't an issue (not then). We were always together and everything seemed to be like it is in the fairy tales. 

Well, 5 years went by and Terry went to work on the road with his dad. Everything was good, other than he was never home but I adjusted and eventually got used to that. He then decided that he did not like being on the road so he came off. 

Well, that is when everything suddenly changed....

When he came home, things were different....they even felt different. I love him but I guess I was just so used to being alone by that time that I just wanted to be alone and I wanted to be in a relationship with him but from a distance. 

Well, the longer that he was home....I got used to him being home all the time and things seemed to be back to normal. 

He went back to work for Precision Turf....him and I did not have a vehicle because his cousin went out on the road in his place and drove his truck so that he could still make money from the road and not have to be out there which was awesome cause we had 2 incomes and he was only having to work 1 job and was still able to be home all the time.

Well, when he went back to work for PT, he rode with his friend Patrick (which is now my aunt's fiance). Well, in the afternoons when he would get off work, he wouldn't come home...he would go to Patrick's and sit over there til midnight or later and play video games and I would be sitting here at the house waiting on him to get home. After a few months of that taking place, I realized that I was tired of being neglected and pushed aside for material things (video games) and his friends. Now, I am not saying that it is not ok to have friends and to have "guy time" with your friends but when it is every day and you NEVER spend time with me and you are NEVER home and I hardly ever see you because by the time that you come home, I am already in bed.....yea, well that is a little ridiculous.

I got tired of it....

So one day, I mentioned to him that we needed to work on getting a car so that I didn't have to sit home all the time and I could take him back and forth to work and stuff. When I mentioned to him that we needed to work on getting a car, his response to me was, "Well, maybe you should have friends with cars!"

I was astonished that he would even say something like that to me. On top of being astonished, I was hurt that he would say something like that to me. I felt like I didn't matter to him at all! 

That is the worst feeling in the world!

Well, a few months went by and him and I discussed moving into our own house. I was all up for the idea because somewhere in my little tiny brain, I thought that maybe moving would strengthen our relationship since we would be living on our own and we didn't have parents and stuff all in the picture and in our business. 

Well, I found us a house and we went and met with the lady and signed the lease and we got the keys and that weekend we moved in. I was so happy. I just knew that it was going to be a turning point in our lives. 

Yea....WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

We moved in and then shortly after we moved in, his cousin (who I cannot stand) called him and said that work on the road was slow and that they would be sitting for a few weeks and he asked Terry if he could come stay with us. Let's just say that I was not happy and that I was totally against the idea but Terry went against how I felt and told his cousin that he could come stay with us. 

I was so ticked off. I felt so under minded and overlooked. I felt like my opinion didn't matter to him at all but that was a feeling that I was used to so I am not really sure why I let it bother me that much but for some reason it did. 

Needless to say, his cousin moved in and everything went further to hell. His cousin never did anything around the house, never made any attempt to go find another job, never put in any effort or anything into the house or anything that needed to be done around the house. Terry and his cousin would just sit up on the game all night long and then Noah (Terry's cousin) would sleep all day. It was the most aggravating thing in the world. I used to say stuff to Terry about it and it just went in one ear and out the other. Once again, he made me feel like how I felt didn't matter but all that was a daily feeling. 

Months went on and things were just getting worse. Video games were affecting EVERYTHING, except his job. That is the one and ONLY thing in his life that it didn't affect. 

Finally, one day...Terry and I got into an argument and I raised my tone with him and he told me to quiet down or he would pack his stuff and leave and I looked at him and said, "Bye!!!!" 

He packed his stuff and left. 

I was not affected at all. Actually, I was kind of happy. I felt relieved. 

Shortly after that, I got with EJ who was a friend of mine long before we started a relationship.

He did all the things that I wanted Terry to do but that he did not do.

I thought that I was in love. I felt like I was in Heaven.

EJ spent time with me all the time, everything was all about me, he showed me love and affection and attention.

It was the best feeling in the world. I "loved" him......so I thought.

Well, I guess you can say that I learned to love him. It was a different kind of love though. 

As time went on, I did love him. I loved him with all my heart. He was always so good to me on every level. I had all the things that I wanted and needed. Everything that I wanted Terry to be that he was not.

Months and months went on and I realized that I did love EJ but not the way that I wanted to love someone. 

It was a different kind of a love; a love that is really hard to explain.

Him and I talked about marriage.....BUT THEN.....

I found out that he was cheating on me....and then I caught him cheating again....and again....and then a fourth time.

Finally, I could not take it anymore and it hurt so badly to even think about leaving but I realized that staying would be more damaging than leaving.

I was so hurt, I was devastated. I didn't understand how someone could tell me that they love me so much but then be ok with getting into bed and partaking in sexual actions with another girl....how do you do that? How do you not think about how your girlfriend would feel? How do you not feel bad and stop yourself and say, "Wait a minute, this is wrong and I cannot do this!"....I just didn't get it. 

One thing about Terry was, he never cheated on me. 

Once again, with EJ just like with Terry....I thought that I was the problem and I didn't understand. Everyone told me that me being mad and upset at Terry for playing video games was petty but they were not in my situation and they did not understand....with EJ, everyone said that I had a valid reason to be upset, hurt, heaertbroken, etc.....I just always felt like I was the problem....like I was not good enough.

So I started thinking......I did love EJ but not with the type of love that keeps a relationship going, him and I did everything together and he always showed me attention, BUT he cheated on me and that was something that I always said that I would never deal with and he did it but yet that was one thing that Terry never did. 

But then I started thinking about it (after he cheated on me) that I wasnt truly happy, I only thought that I was happy and I had created the illusion that I was happy because he did everything that Terry didnt do and so I thought that I was in Heaven with him

So...with all that being said.......I learned a few valuable lessons from the whole situation with Terry and I and then the whole situation with EJ and I.

One lesson that I learned was, when there is something that is not right in your relationship, don't fall for the next person that does what the last person did not because there is going to be something that you don't like about the next person too and the issue with the next person is probably bigger than the issue with the last person.

Another valuable lesson that I learned was, live life to the fullest. You only get one. Don't waste time on someone just because you feel like you cannot be without that person. Time is of the essence and once time is invested, you cannot get it back. I like to think of time like money.....once you invest money into something, it cannot be given back. Money does not last forever....and neither does time. You only have so much money.....well, you only have so much time so use it, or spend it so to speak, wisely and make sure that you are using it on things that matter and things that are going to make a POSITIVE difference in your life.

Needless to say, (and as most of you already know).....EJ and I did not work out either, but I have a beautiful and loving daughter from him, and for me to have her was worth every bad moment with EJ and trust me, there was a lot of them.

I have learned a lot of out the situations and experiences with Terry and EJ....and I hope that by reading this, you were able to learn something to.

The first thing to remember is, the grass is not always greener on the other side. For example, Terry never paid attention to me and never spent time with me BUT he was always faithful whereas EJ did everything that Terry did not and I thought that I was in Heaven BUT he couldn't be faithful.....lesson here is, there is always going to be flaws in the person that you're with....

The question is, are you willing to deal with those flaws? Are they flaws that are completely impossible to deal with?? Or.....

Can you love that person through all their flaws, give love, accept their love, and be unselfish and allow them to love you the best way that they can. 

Everything happens for a reason and even though me might not understand why we are going through a particular experience, God has a plan for us and if we are going through it then it is God's plan for us and everything that is going on is happening exactly the way that God wanted it to happen

We may not like the way that things are going in our life and we might not like the cards that are being dealt to us but every card handed to us has a lesson behind it and it is worth the risk to pull the next card out of the deck. It is just like gambling.......is it worth it? Is it not?

So I leave you with this, have you ever experienced a time where you and your significant other did not work out and you started a new relationship and realized that the problems in that relationship were much bigger than the issues from the last relationship??

Have you ever been ignored and pushed aside by your significant other due to video games?? If so, how did that make you feel??
I hope that this helps someone out there,,,,actually, I know that it will. If each of my posts only helps 1 person, then I have completed what God put me on this Earth for. I am so passionate about this blog. Also, if you have a topic that you would like me to write about, please feel free to let me know and I will write about it and get it up as soon as possible. I hope that this helps someone out there. Love you all and thank you for reading. Also, share the link and encourage others to read it.....feel free to comment on the posts as well.

Love Is Beautiful, Right? Well, How Beautiful Is It?

"The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love"

-Henry Miller-

I wanted to start this particular post off with the quote above. This quote means so much to me and the things that I am experiencing in my life right now. 

This post is focusing on the topic of love. Love, particularly in relationships, has been a big part of my life here recently. There has been a lot going on with my "relationship" and there have been a lot of things that I have learned from this relationship and my past relationships. I feel like sharing some of these experiences and talking a bit about what I have learned and how I've grown mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually from my relationship experiences would be helpful to not only myself, but to others who may be experiencing the same thing. My relationship has been a common conversation that I have had with 2 good friends of mine. 

Ok, so lets see where I should start......

Well, I was 13 when I got into my first relationship. Young, right? Absolutely! Definitely too young to be in a relationship. Well, just like any other 13 year old...I thought that I was in love. I was in puppy love. I didn't even know what love was or the significance of "true love" or what it meant. All I knew was that I had someone to call my boyfriend and I loved being around him. Well, him and I were together for 6 years on and off. Things were great when we were 13 (me) and 16 (him), however, when our careers and future was not in question. Once we started to get older, I realized that we were on two different paths in life and that I wanted more out of life than he did. Also, we never did anything together and he always went and did his thing and I did mine and there was never anything done as a couple. I felt like I was single and just had someone to tell people, "Oh, yea...him? He is my boyfriend!" 6 years later, and we went our separate ways. I was not hurt, I was passed the point of being fed up with being last on his list and people that did nothing for him were always put before me. I just couldn't take it anymore and from that experience I learned that we loved each other but we were not in love with each other.

After that separation, I got with E.J and that was an on and off relationship of pure unhealthiness. I loved him more than he loved me and we were absolutely toxic for each other. I hated him more than I liked him. He was constantly cheating and doing things to hurt me. He lied to me all the time. 

Then my life changed on June 7th, 2012. I found out that I was pregnant; by E.J of course. I was so devastated because we had just split up a week before that and I knew that he was not the one that I wanted to have to deal with for the rest of my life. 

But then.....something hit me. 

Through the toxicity of our relationship and our treatment towards each other, there was a reason that God gave me a child with him. At the time that I found out that I was pregnant, I absolutely hated him (E.J.) and could care less if I ever saw or spoke to him again. 

But....God's plan was different. He blessed me with a child (with E.J.) to teach me how to be respectful and give love even when it is not given to you. God forced me to learn how to love through the worst situations and how to be caring and how to deal with people. I didn't understand it at first. I asked myself why God would bless me with a child with someone who does not help take care of their children and the only thing that I can get from the whole situation is that, I was not a loving person and I felt hatred towards E.J. and God wanted me to learn something from my experience, and I definitely did. 

My patience has grown and I've learned to be more loving. I also realized how selfish I was and how unintentional that it was. Everyone is selfish to a certain extent and in different ways. 

Throughout this experience, my whole definition of "LOVE" has changed. 

So now onto my most recent/current "relationship"....well, it is a long story. But all I can say now is that we are together BUT without a "title" I guess, so to speak. Uhh, honestly, I am not really sure about it. I am still a little confused. 

With my current situation, the only thing that I ask for is for God to show me guidance and lead me through this time in my life where I am walking blind. I cannot see far ahead but I know that there is something awaiting me, I just don't know what BUT He does...and I trust Him and I love Him enough to lead me and that whatever the outcome is, I know that I will be ok.

I may not like it....it may be painful OR it could be exciting and cheerful.... BUT one thing I know for sure is this.....there is another lesson buried inside the ultimate "fate" (so to speak) of how this situation turns out.....

So now, I am going to talk about love and what it means to me. This is a powerful topic for me because I hold love so highly in standards and it is so important to me. Love is an important part of life for everyone, whether or not you choose to give it, show it, accept it, and enjoy it...is all your choice and it will play an affect on the outcome of situations.

So...what does love mean to me???

To me, love means giving of oneself, one to another, unselfish, trusting, wanting; telling each other your most secret thoughts. When you are apart, there is an emptiness inside you. An angry word can bring your world to an end. We need love in our lives but we need to give love to make it complete. Love is not always returned, it is sometimes one sided. You cannot choose who you want to love or who you love, love chooses you. Emotionally, love can make you or break you. Love has intensity; a feeling that you cannot live without the other. Love consumes you, takes over you life. That is why pain and despair follows the loss of that love, if there is a loss of that love. Love lasts as long as you want it to. Take it day to day loving each other like there is not another day to follow. Never take each other for granted, appreciate one another. If you take one another for granted, your love will fade. You will love more than once in your life, each love very different from the other. If you truly love, then you will remember them all. People experience true love when they find an enduring, steadfast love. God's love is given unconditionally and we need to learn others how God loves us; non-judgmental and unconditionally. True love is what everyone seeks-- in every relationship. Love is measured sacrificially. True love will give until there is no more to give. True love will take the risk of never being loved in return, however, you must continue to love and be patient and kind...that is the only way to get love returned to you.

--There is so much more that I could say about love....but I think I will leave it at that--

So...with all that being said....always love unconditionally, it is a chance that you take but in the event of a heartbreak, you always have a valuable lesson that comes out of it. You just have to think "outside the box" and analyze the situation because the lesson learned may not always be obvious and you may not know what that lesson is right away....but one day, you will know what it was. You will look back and go; "Oh wow, this is why I went through that back then. I've learned.....and since that experience, I've become....." (Fill in the blanks...haha)

With my current situation, all I want is to know whether we have some sort of path or if we are just hanging onto to each other by a string. Keeping someone in a matter of convenience is not healthy either. So do you leave the toxicity....or do you stay and take the chance that when it does end in the way that you don't want it to, that the friendship is ruined and there will never be anything civil or peaceful between the two of you?

In every love relationship, there is also a friendship. If you know that you are in a toxic situation, is it worth ruining both the relationship and the friendship or would you rather recognize that you and the other person are not healthy for each other and end it and still be able to keep the friendship? That is a question that only you can answer.....and btw, it is a hard question to answer...it takes time.

I will say this, we teach other's how to treat us......

That statement is so powerful to me....along with several others haha. It means so much and it is suitable for any situation. 

We have to let people know what is unacceptable and what we expect from them (something called boundaries...which is something that a lot of people don't have) and we have to stand behind what we say and we have to guard ourselves. If we allow others to do unacceptable things to us and there is no result or "consequence" from their actions, then we are teaching them that what they are doing is acceptable and they will continue to do it.....you can't change someone else, BUT you CAN change how they are towards you and what they do to you!

So when you're in a situation like I am at the moment. Make sure that you know where you are going and what path you and the opposite person are on and don't allow the other person to lead you on and keep you in the dark.

I've learned that the best way to stay focused and not confused (like me) is by asking questions. When you want to know something, ask. I know.....it's hard. Trust me, I understand totally. I hate asking questions that are relationship related. Asking relationship questions is really scary for me...actually it's terrifying. The thought of getting the worst possible answer is more terrifying than actually asking the question. It is something that I am working on though.....I hope it gets better soon. 

Do they make therapy for asking questions?? If not, they should cause I definitely need it :)

So I leave you with this....

Are you in a toxic relationship? Do you know what "love" is? Have you ever experienced a time when you were devastated due to a love ending?

"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because your reality is finally better than you dreams"

-Dr. Seuss-

Have you ever experienced this (the quote above)?

Please feel free to share, comment, etc. I enjoy it.

Thank you for reading this too by the way. I appreciate it.

Is There Ever Light At The End Of The Tunnel?? And If So, Then How Far Is It??

Well, howdy there everyone. I am new to this whole blogging thing but my counselor and a very good friend of mine both suggested to me that I should start writing every night before bed as a therapeutic relaxing and mind freeing hobby. I've been doing it for a little over a week and I find that it is very helpful. A good friend of mine blogs and she has been a huge inspiration to me and I feel like sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences would really help me feel better, feel more relaxed, and feel more calm. So this is where I begin....and to be quite honest, this is all a bit scary for me. I hope that my friends and family all get something out of these blogs at one point or another and I hope that my experiences help someone else in need of guidance through a difficult time.

So I just have to start out by saying, this first blog is about the weird and crazy kind of life that I have had for an ongoing and consistent 2 weeks. I am not sure where to start.

So..I am going to start by explaining the picture above. This picture seems simple, right? It seems meaningless, right? Well, oddly enough...this picture has a lot of meaning to me (some would probably call me simple minded...but hey, everyone interprets things differently...don't judge me hehe). So I am sure that you all are probably wondering what in the world that picture is of (at the top of this post). That picture is of a tunnel with no lighting, no guidance, no nothing......in this tunnel you are just walking in darkness and not sure where you are going or how much ground has been covered. Living in a tunnel where there is no light is an awful way to live life. Never knowing if you are going forward or backwards and never knowing how much ground of the road to happiness, success (or whatever you are trying to achieve) has been covered, I hate it. So since everything has made a turn for the worse these past 2 weeks, I've been trying to just stay positive and stay happy. I have put my hand in God's hand so that I have His guidance because even though I cannot see what is ahead, He can....and even when I can see what is ahead, He can see further.

....So now I am going to type what I already have written on paper.....

Have you ever experienced a time in your life when everything is going wrong and nothing seems to be going right? Have you ever just wanted everything to end?

Well, unfortunately that is where I am at in my life right now. For the past week, I have literally asked myself, "What the hell?" almost everyday (which is a little ridiculous). I'm sure I am not the only one that has felt like this at some point or another. I have literally been living in hell for the past week! I have felt every emotion that a person could honestly feel just within the past week! The past week doesn't even touch the whole month or two before that. That is a story for an entirely different post. I have encountered issues that are beyond my control and that I knew I could not change. I've experienced the feeling of losing control, helplessness, and abandonment.

When things started to take a turn for the worst, I asked myself what I did so wrong, what I did to deserve the things that were happening to me. I was so confused and I didn't understand why all of this was happening to me. The part that made no sense to me was the fact that I've always loved God and I've always appreciated Him and everything he had done for me. Throughout everything that I have experiences lately; the one thing that I have realized and I find it very important to me and I am so thankful that I have realized this even though it hurts BUT I've realized how much I've lost touch with God. I feel like I've lost communication with Him. I used to feel like He was at my fingertips and now I feel like he is millions of miles away.

Since I've come to the realization that I have lost touch with God, it ha also made me think back on when I lived in Fernandina with my dad and I went to church on a regular basis; my life was so much more peaceful and I felt so much better mentally, physically, and emotionally. Throughout everything that I have been going through, I have realized that I have really lowered my standards and that I have let too many people over step my boundaries (too many times). I've been thinking about where my life is right now and where it should be and where I eventually want to be. I've been praying for the past week that peace would become my reality and at this point in my life, peace is most definitely far from my reality. Peace and what it means to me is a post all in itself. So, since I have really been thinking about where I stand with God and since I've really realized how out of tune I have been with God, I've really thought about what I needed to do and what type of changed that I need to make in order to be connected with Him again like I used to be. During this extremely trying time, I've realized how important my relationship is with God. I've also realized that my only salvation is God.

He's the only one that has enough power to make things better and the only one strong enough to walk beside me and and HELP me persevere through the most trying times...(Dang, with everything I've realized lately, I feel like I've accomplished some really huge things mentally). A really amazing and spiritual friend of mine and I were talking a couple of days ago and I told her that I thought that everything that's been happening to me was probably some sort of karma. She pointed out something that was so true and interesting. She told me that it was not karma. She said that you have to go through trials and tribulations in life in order to stay connected with God. She said that if you never experience bad times and you are never in need of help then you will never look to God for guidance or help...which also means that you will never be tried and/or forced to pull closer to him. In your most trying times is when God tests you to see if you truly believe in Him. He tests you to see if you are in tune with Him, to see if you are going to turn to Him for His hand and allow him to guide you.

 I think of God as a superhero.

That is basically what He is.

When this "world of darkness" started last week, I felt like I was losing it.

 I felt like I just had to sit back and watch my whole life crash.

 I struggled so badly...

I felt like I just could not get a grip....

Scary right? Confusing right? Helpless right?

I seriously felt like I had a nervous breakdown, which is very well possible. I think that my possible nervous breakdown came from the series of horrible events but more so, I feel like the fact of realizing that peace was far from my reality was the final straw.

I could go on and on for days about everything I have learned from going through trials and tribulations.

So...with that being said, I think that I will just end with this; in your most difficult and trying times, pull closer to God.

*This picture is where I am now versus where I was 2 weeks ago when my life went to hell. This is what happens when you hand your problems over to God and you have faith. Everything will eventually get better.

1 Corinthians 13:12 
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

That verse speaks so loudly to me and it always has. I have not been to church in a long time but I have not forgotten what MY Holy Bible says. 

To me, this verse means that right now, we can't see much of the future and that it is all cloudy, however, after the cloudiness passes, we will see everything with perfect clarity. That right now, nothing is whole; but eventually we will know everything and it will all be whole. God knows me completely, even when I don't know or when I am searching for answers, He knows!

That is truly powerful.


So I will leave you with this final question: Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and you ask yourself, "Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel??? And if so, then ho far is it?"

Please feel free to share......