Who I Am!

I have been doing a lot of thinking about myself and who I know I am as a person on the inside and out and who other people think I am or perceive me to be! There are a lot of things that I have really been thinking about in terms of myself and there is a lot that I want to get out there to everyone.

For one, others may not think of me as the person that I actually am but I have learned that what others think about me is not what matters. What I know of myself and what God knows about me is all that really matters. Other people's opinions isn't what counts and it won't be their opinions that I am judged on when it is my judgement day!

What God knows about me and what he has seen of me is all that really matters in life. That is one thing to remember. 

When I was a young girl, I struggled with my self-esteem. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't thin enough, I wasn't outgoing enough, I was too honest, no one liked me......along with many other feelings. Making friends was hard for me. I was always alone. I was very depressed all the time. 

I was raised by my father, whom is absolutely FANTASTIC! He is the best father that anyone could ever ask for. He was married and his wife, my stepmom, was my mother figure. As a young girl, I hit a point where I longed for my biological mother. I wanted my real mother to show me all the things that mothers are supposed to show their little girls. 

The communication between my mother and I was very minimal. I did not talk to her much and I did not see her much. I missed her all the time. I had a mother figure but it is not the same as having YOUR mother. There was always an empty space within me that longed for my mom. I remember asking myself why my parents couldn't just be together and why I couldn't see my mom more. Not only did I have an empty space that longed for my mother, my dad worked 2 jobs and went to police academy and so I didn't see him much either. I felt so alone and abandoned. 

I remember one year, my dad had to work Shrimp Festival and he was gone for a few days because he was working extremely long hours and Shrimp Fest is in Fernandina Beach and we lived in Jacksonville so it was too much for him to drive back and forth. I remember sitting in my room and crying because I missed him so much! All I wanted was to be a child that had a normal home life like all my friends. One thing that never lacked in my life is love. I always knew that I was loved. For a long time, I did not understand that some people are just better off not together which is why my parents were not together but I still wanted a better relationship with my mom. 

I was told all these stories about my mom as a young girl that portrayed my mom as such a bad person and that made her look like she just walked away from me and that she did not love me. That was very hurtful as a kid. I always wondered what really happened between my parents but I knew that I was too young and that it was not something that my dad would discuss with me until I was older. 

As my life went on, I endured a lot of internal pain from not having my mom and I wanted her so badly. I wanted her to teach me all the things that moms are supposed to teach their daughters. I didn't have my mom to do my hair and help me get all dressed up for my middle school homecoming dance. I didn't have my mom to braid my hair. 

I didn't have her in my life on a regular basis until I was about 13 years old. When my dad got divorced, he met another woman who he married shortly after. Her name was Tina. She pushed me to build a relationship with my mom. She told me that I only had one mom and that I needed to build a strong relationship with her because one day she would be gone and I will wish that I had done things differently.

She had a very good point. Not only did I know that what she was saying was true, I wanted that! I wanted my mom. I wanted to be close to her. I wanted to know what the feeling of having your biological mom was like! 

Since then, my mom and I have become extremely close. I moved in with my mom when I was 14 years old. We've been close since I was 13. There was 13 years lost and that is time that we will never be able to get back and I often wonder how things would have been if I would have had her as a bigger part of my childhood but all that matters is that I got to experience. 

Better late than never :)