On Sunday, June 8, 2014, my entire life was completely turned upside down and it has not been the same since.
I was 15 weeks pregnant. I started having bad stomach cramping so I went to the hospital and explained to them what was going on. I was taken back and put in my own room. They knew that I was pregnant from the moment that I checked in. After about 20 minutes of being in my room, I remember asking my sister to find a nurse and ask them to call my OB/GYN doctor. A nurse came in and said that they were in the middle of shift change so it would be a few minutes before my nurse and the doctor came in. Well, a few minutes turned into 2 1/2 hours. Finally, the nurse came in just to tell me that they have ordered a sonogram and that the lady would be in shortly. Shortly? Yea, right! Another hour or more went by and I asked my nurse to call my OB doctor and no one ever did. I asked them to even call an on-call OB doctor, they never did that either!
The sonographer came in and she started to do my sonogram, I was in so much pain that it was almost impossible to lay still. About half way through the sonogram, I asked her to stop for a minute because I was in so much pain and she stopped and I sat up and I felt something very different than anything I had ever in my life felt before. The only way that I know to describe it is it felt like a balloon popping internally and the pain immediately stopped for like 2 minutes. The sonographer told me to lay back down so she could take a look and see what was going on and when I laid back on the bed, fluid went everywhere.......
I KNEW AT THAT MOMENT THAT MY ENTIRE WORLD WAS COMING DOWN ON ME AND THAT EVERY PREGNANT WOMAN'S WORST FEAR HAD JUST BECOME MY REALITY!!!!!!!!!
I freaked out. I was crying hysterically and all I kept saying is, "God, please don't let anything be wrong with my baby!" I said that over and over as my Aunt Ciara was standing next to me holding my hand telling me that everything would be okay...........AND IT WAS FAR FROM BEING OKAY!!!!!!!!
After the fluid came, a large amount of blood followed.
About 30 minutes later, they took me to the pelvic exam room and when I went in there, MY BABY GIRL WAS DELIVERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Immediately, my whole life stopped. My heart momentarily stopped beating. My whole world had come to an end and I knew at that moment that nothing would EVER be the same. I felt like I was never going to be able to live another day. Making it through five minutes felt like eternity.....I just knew that I was going to die. I felt like I was alone. I felt like no one understood the pain and grief and sadness that I was going through. No one would ever be able to understand. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life.
Here it is 24 months later and it still feels like it just happened yesterday. It has not become any easier to deal with, it has only become easier to fake a smile. It is easier to pretend I am fine but there is always a void that will be there.
Everyone says that "everything happens for a reason" and "God knows what he is doing and to just trust in him" but that is all a lie. That is not a rational valid argument. If that were the case, then why did God take a child from me. I am NOT perfect and I know that but I AM a great mother and I loved my child and my oldest child as well. It does not matter where you are financially in life or what other circumstances you may be facing - it does not change that as a mother, you do what you need to do to take care of your child and that you make the best of the cards handed to you. The cards I was dealt was definitely not the hand I wish I had been dealt. This is a pain like no other. This is a pain that no one understands unless they have been through it, however, its a pain that I don't EVER want anyone I love or care about to endure because it is the worst. It is life altering. It is mind altering. It is emotionally altering. It is something that will cause someone to NEVER be the same EVER EVER again. I try to use it to help others but that is even hard because I don't understand why MY child got taken and other mothers get to keep their's when they are AWFUL parents.
24 months later and I have now had a partial hysterectomy and can NEVER have children EVER again. Aaliyah was my last chance - a chance that I will NEVER have again and yet she is the child who's father would have been more than amazing and I could not keep her. I couldn't have her.
Why why why???? That is all I seem to find myself asking. I hav begged and pleaded with God and he just will not answer my questions. I know that one day, it will all make sense - or at least I hope it will BUT right now, it is a fog, it is cloudy. I just don't get it.
I look at the world and society around me and I realize that I am somewhat thankful that I did not have to raise another child in the cruel and hateful society that we live in, however, it does not release or remove the pain and/or void that I have for my daughter.
I was and still am in a desperate state of mind. I so badly just want to see her one more time, want to hold her one more time, want to love and kiss her just one more time. I WILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO DO THAT EVER AGAIN - or at least, not until I leave this Earth and join her in Heaven one day.
I try to remember that I have a purpose here on Earth which is why I am still here but also, Aaliyah has/had a purpose as well but her purpose was meant to be served in Heaven. As hard as that is to grasp and understand, I know that it is the truth because God does no wrong and He does not let us down. I am just still unsure as to what my purpose is along with Aaliyah's purpose.
Scripture says in Matthew 5:4 - Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
- - I know that the Lord is comforting me in every way possible and maybe I am being ignorant or blind to what he is trying to do in my life but I just pray that He leads me in the right direction. I pray that He can keep my mind clear and my thoughts pure. That is the only thing that I can do because unfortunately, losing Aaliyah is a situation that I have no control over.
This is just another thing to add to my face of smiles and heart of scars.
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