Well, howdy there everyone. I am new to this whole blogging thing but my counselor and a very good friend of mine both suggested to me that I should start writing every night before bed as a therapeutic relaxing and mind freeing hobby. I've been doing it for a little over a week and I find that it is very helpful. A good friend of mine blogs and she has been a huge inspiration to me and I feel like sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences would really help me feel better, feel more relaxed, and feel more calm. So this is where I begin....and to be quite honest, this is all a bit scary for me. I hope that my friends and family all get something out of these blogs at one point or another and I hope that my experiences help someone else in need of guidance through a difficult time.
So I just have to start out by saying, this first blog is about the weird and crazy kind of life that I have had for an ongoing and consistent 2 weeks. I am not sure where to start.
So..I am going to start by explaining the picture above. This picture seems simple, right? It seems meaningless, right? Well, oddly enough...this picture has a lot of meaning to me (some would probably call me simple minded...but hey, everyone interprets things differently...don't judge me hehe). So I am sure that you all are probably wondering what in the world that picture is of (at the top of this post). That picture is of a tunnel with no lighting, no guidance, no nothing......in this tunnel you are just walking in darkness and not sure where you are going or how much ground has been covered. Living in a tunnel where there is no light is an awful way to live life. Never knowing if you are going forward or backwards and never knowing how much ground of the road to happiness, success (or whatever you are trying to achieve) has been covered, I hate it. So since everything has made a turn for the worse these past 2 weeks, I've been trying to just stay positive and stay happy. I have put my hand in God's hand so that I have His guidance because even though I cannot see what is ahead, He can....and even when I can see what is ahead, He can see further.
....So now I am going to type what I already have written on paper.....
Have you ever experienced a time in your life when everything is going wrong and nothing seems to be going right? Have you ever just wanted everything to end?
Well, unfortunately that is where I am at in my life right now. For the past week, I have literally asked myself, "What the hell?" almost everyday (which is a little ridiculous). I'm sure I am not the only one that has felt like this at some point or another. I have literally been living in hell for the past week! I have felt every emotion that a person could honestly feel just within the past week! The past week doesn't even touch the whole month or two before that. That is a story for an entirely different post. I have encountered issues that are beyond my control and that I knew I could not change. I've experienced the feeling of losing control, helplessness, and abandonment.
When things started to take a turn for the worst, I asked myself what I did so wrong, what I did to deserve the things that were happening to me. I was so confused and I didn't understand why all of this was happening to me. The part that made no sense to me was the fact that I've always loved God and I've always appreciated Him and everything he had done for me. Throughout everything that I have experiences lately; the one thing that I have realized and I find it very important to me and I am so thankful that I have realized this even though it hurts BUT I've realized how much I've lost touch with God. I feel like I've lost communication with Him. I used to feel like He was at my fingertips and now I feel like he is millions of miles away.
Since I've come to the realization that I have lost touch with God, it ha also made me think back on when I lived in Fernandina with my dad and I went to church on a regular basis; my life was so much more peaceful and I felt so much better mentally, physically, and emotionally. Throughout everything that I have been going through, I have realized that I have really lowered my standards and that I have let too many people over step my boundaries (too many times). I've been thinking about where my life is right now and where it should be and where I eventually want to be. I've been praying for the past week that peace would become my reality and at this point in my life, peace is most definitely far from my reality. Peace and what it means to me is a post all in itself. So, since I have really been thinking about where I stand with God and since I've really realized how out of tune I have been with God, I've really thought about what I needed to do and what type of changed that I need to make in order to be connected with Him again like I used to be. During this extremely trying time, I've realized how important my relationship is with God. I've also realized that my only salvation is God.
He's the only one that has enough power to make things better and the only one strong enough to walk beside me and and HELP me persevere through the most trying times...(Dang, with everything I've realized lately, I feel like I've accomplished some really huge things mentally). A really amazing and spiritual friend of mine and I were talking a couple of days ago and I told her that I thought that everything that's been happening to me was probably some sort of karma. She pointed out something that was so true and interesting. She told me that it was not karma. She said that you have to go through trials and tribulations in life in order to stay connected with God. She said that if you never experience bad times and you are never in need of help then you will never look to God for guidance or help...which also means that you will never be tried and/or forced to pull closer to him. In your most trying times is when God tests you to see if you truly believe in Him. He tests you to see if you are in tune with Him, to see if you are going to turn to Him for His hand and allow him to guide you.
I think of God as a superhero.
That is basically what He is.
When this "world of darkness" started last week, I felt like I was losing it.
I felt like I just had to sit back and watch my whole life crash.
I struggled so badly...
I felt like I just could not get a grip....
Scary right? Confusing right? Helpless right?
I seriously felt like I had a nervous breakdown, which is very well possible. I think that my possible nervous breakdown came from the series of horrible events but more so, I feel like the fact of realizing that peace was far from my reality was the final straw.
I could go on and on for days about everything I have learned from going through trials and tribulations.
So...with that being said, I think that I will just end with this; in your most difficult and trying times, pull closer to God.
1 Corinthians 13:12
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
That verse speaks so loudly to me and it always has. I have not been to church in a long time but I have not forgotten what MY Holy Bible says.
To me, this verse means that right now, we can't see much of the future and that it is all cloudy, however, after the cloudiness passes, we will see everything with perfect clarity. That right now, nothing is whole; but eventually we will know everything and it will all be whole. God knows me completely, even when I don't know or when I am searching for answers, He knows!
That is truly powerful.
So I will leave you with this final question: Have you ever been in a situation where you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and you ask yourself, "Is there ever a light at the end of the tunnel??? And if so, then ho far is it?"
Please feel free to share......
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