Uhh, I Think You're Just A Rebound!!!! Even Though I'm Hurt, I Still Respect Myself!

I am feeling really inspired about writing this post, due to a good friend of mine asking me how to know if you're in a rebound relationship. She recently has undergone a break-up with her boyfriend after 7 year, wow long time, right? Well, unfortunately things happen and sometimes what we think is a good relationship really isn't. 

After her and her boyfriend were together for 7 long years, he decided that video games were more important (I've written about this in a prior post). Of course, she is devastated....and I was too when I went through my separation with my ex after almost 7 years, due to video games....wow what a coincidence!

Here is my thing, even though it hurts....sometimes the most necessary things are the most painful. Yes, she is hurt...extremely hurt, however, she doesn't deserve to be neglected either. 

Yesterday, her and I were talking and she was telling me how she has been hanging out with other guys and stuff...which is totally okay, by the way. 

My response to her was, "That is a good thing that you're hanging out with other people, it will make things easier when you move out of the same house with your ex!" I also told her to be careful because she is at a really vulnerable point in her life right now. She is heartbroken and when guys know that, they will take advantage of it. 

My next piece of advice to her was, if you start a new relationship...make sure that it is not rebound. I know that rebound relationships are easy to get into when you're hurting from a prior relationship that has ended badly. Her response to me was, "How do you know if it is rebound?" "I just hope that I don't push the right guy away because I think that it might be rebound!"

Unfortunately, rebound is something that is hard to see ahead of time. It is usually something that you don't realize until it is too late. 

Signs of a Rebound Relationship:
1. Things move extremely fast.

2. You find yourself having extremely deep feelings for someone really fast.

3. You are still in love with your ex - Make sure that you allow yourself enough time to get over the heartache from the last relationship before starting a new one.

4. Mood swings - If you are having bad mood swings and find yourself snapping at your boyfriend for no reason, that might be a sign of a rebound relationship.

5. In need of constant reassurance. If you are always needing a man to give you reassurance then you probably are not ready to be in a relationship.

6.Fantasizing about your ex - If you find yourself comparing your boyfriend to your ex, thinking about your ex during intimacy, always thinking about your future and your ex is included.....then you have not full recovered from the pain that your ex caused you and you probably shouldn't be in a relationship just yet.

7. You use sex to curve the pain - If you are not having sex for the right reasons (love) then you shouldn't be having sex at all. You should NEVER use sex to get over a painful time. If you are in pain, emotionally, then sex is not the way to deal with that pain. Remember, once sex becomes a factor, it takes things to an entirely different level; feelings get involved, attachments get involved, and when you do realize that the relationship was just rebound from the beginning, it makes it harder to get away and you're hurt even more than you were from the beginning. Don't put yourself in that situation. 

The next thing that I wanted to bring attention to is the fact that when girls (more than men) go through a devastating break-up, they tend to lose self respect. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS value yourself and your body. Do NOT let the devastation from a break-up lower your self respect. Your self image and self respect/value is the most important thing that you have.

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will either; especially a man.

I was told this one time by my youth minister and it has stuck with me since I was a young teenager, "A man will only respect you as much as you respect yourself!" With that being said, when you go through a devastating break-up and you start sleeping around and acting slutty, that is exactly how others will perceive you and men will take advantage of that. 

Remember, perception is everything and you are judged by that. How you look, dress, talk, act, who you hang out with, etc. is all factors of how people perceive you. 

Here are some other things that I've seen girls do during a break-up that lowers their self respect, whether they think it does or not.....

- They beg for that man to come back. DON'T do that. If he left you, then leave it as that. Don't beg for him to take you back, don't beg him to try to work things out. Just simply look at him and say (even though it is hard), "It may hurt and it may be hard, but it is your decision and I respect that!" That is much more dignified than screaming and crying for him not to leave you. 

- DO NOT let him see you cry. It is hard to hold it together when you are face to face with the person that has crushed your heart, BUT you have to hold things together while you're in his presence. It is definitely okay to cry, just don't do it around him.

- Gather the people that you know support you and that have your back. That makes things a lot easier. Even though they cannot take the pain away, knowing that they support you and understand makes it a lot better. The worst thing to feel in that time is that you're alone. Just know, you are not the only girl that has ever experienced a painful break-up. Unfortunately, break-ups are normal and they happen. Remember, nothing in life is promised...except death.

- Don't keep the line of communication open. After he breaks up with you, he will probably keep calling you or texting you....stop answering, change your number, block his number, SOMETHING. Do not allow him to string you along. His "let you down easy" is not about the fact that he still has lingering feelings for you, it is all about him. You have to put your foot down and let him know when enough is enough.

- DON'T allow yourself to be his backup plan. If he tells you that he plans on dating other girls then that is what he plans on doing. Do not allow him to pull the, "Well, I am going to date other girls but I will always love you!" That is just his way of keeping you accessible for when the next relationship doesn't go his way.

- Don't stop your life because of him. Even though you may feel like you're dying, you have to make it seem like you are totally fine to him. Get up and get dressed and go out with your friends. Have fun. Have a life. You want it to look like you are just perfectly fine and much better off without him, even if that is not the case! If he knows that you are totally miserable, then he feels like he is in control.....you have to be in control of yourself, DON'T allow someone else to be in control of you!

- Review the relationship...I'm pretty sure that once you and him have split that you could look back and find 101 things that were wrong with the relationship and you could probably find 501 warning signs. Assess your life and how it was when y'all were together versus now that he is gone and realize and learn all the things that you don't want in the next man. Take this break- up as a lesson learned.

- Believe it or not, listening to love songs and break- up songs is a good thing because you don't feel alone. The thought of Carrie Underwood (for example) wrote a song that you can relate to 110% will make you feel like someone else understands. Also, we all have this thing in our minds that famous people don't have love and relationship issues which is definitely not the case, so when you feel like someone who you thought lived a picture perfect life can relate then you feel secure and reassured that you are going to be ok.

- Let done be done. A lot of times when guys break up with girls, they come back later on and want to work things out. Trying ONE more time is one thing, DON'T try again after that. It is a bad idea. If it didn't work the first time or the second time...then ten times later isn't going to work either. Not only that but you send the signal that it is ok to treat you like crap and so instead of him respecting you, he will continuously use you because he knows that you will deal with it. It also lets him know that you are weak. You never want to show a sign of weakness to a man. They feed off of that. And last but not least, it lends a sense of inevitability. You will start to feel like with him is your destiny and no matter how hard you try to break away, you will always end up with him....that is extremely unhealthy.

- Insist respect. As I stated earlier, a man will only respect you as much as you respect yourself (and this goes for everything else outside of relationships as well). If you don't demand respect and put your foot down and stand your ground....you will never receive it. Demand and insist that you be treated with dignity. You are a woman and you deserve dignity and respect.....there are more men in this world than that one. What he won't do another man will.

- Recognize that you have eliminated Mr. Wrong and move on. Eliminating Mr. Wrong will only be for the best. There is nothing bad that could come out of that. Stop worrying about unnecessary stuff and worry about your happiness (and kids, if you have them) and the things that really matter.

One last thing I want to add before I end this....

Yes, what one man didn't do, another man will, however, be careful with that because you may complain or be unhappy with what one man does or doesn't do and then when you move on to the next person, they may do what the last person didn't do BUT their faults may be more to handle than the last person. Just remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. So weigh your options and make decisions wisely. Don't ruin a potentially good relationship......

I hope that this has helped someone or touched someone's life. Please feel free to comment and share. 

Thanks for reading!