I woke up this morning with a lot on my mind. There has been a lot on my mind for the past few weeks but this morning was much different than most mornings. It was a morning of depression, anxiety, pain, and hurt. A morning full of questions that I had no answers to. I just could not get myself together. I felt tense, on edge, stressed out, and angry.
Then it hit me; I am not satisfied with my life and certain things happening in my life at this time.
I also realized that for the first time in a very long time, I was not happy with myself!
I used to be able to look in the mirror and say, "Destiny, I love you. I love who you are and I love who you've turned out to be!"
.......Well, that is not the case anymore......
I have so much to offer to people and it seems to mean nothing at all. I give my all to everyone and it seems that it backfires in my face every time. I am really getting tired of repeatedly going through the same stuff.
When I look in the mirror, I see a lot of negative things about me; physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I don't see very many positive things about myself.
I want to break down and cry every time I look in the mirror and analyze myself. I know that I am not perfect. I don't have the "dream girl" features. I don't have blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm not 5'11" and 155 pounds. I am not the poster model girl.
With that being said, I know that on the inside, I have a lot to offer. I am not happy with my outer appearance and there are a lot of things that I don't like about my personality or myself as far as girlfriend material.
There are some people who like who I am all the way around BUT they are either taken or jerks!
I wrote a blog post prior to this one about being in second place. Well, I am still there. I will probably never be in first place with that particular person and I've come to realize that. That situation is a lot of what made me start questioning everything. It made me question everything. And once I started thinking about my life as a whole, I questioned every other aspect of my life too. Myself as a mother, myself as a person, myself as an employee, myself as a daughter, myself as a big sister, myself as a friend, my spiritual faith
I started thinking about past relationships, past family issues (one in particular was when I found out I was pregnant), just everything that pertains to my life....I questioned. I hate being down and depressed, I hate being sad, I hate crying, I hate it all! It is awful. I just want happiness.
I want peace to be my reality.....I've said that many times before and I am sure that I will say it a lot more throughout my life!
At this current moment, peace is far from my reality! Right now, I am fighting an internal battle within myself.
A lot of people don't know what I am going through just by looking at me......
Everyone thinks I am fine, but I am really not!
One thing that I have learned in the past 10 months is that nothing else matter except the truth!
With that being said, there is only one person whose words are the truth and only the truth........God!
With doing a little bit of Bible study, this is the realization that I've come to:
I like to think about the truth that God tells me and spend my time thinking about what God says is true. My confidence and hope is in God. I know that instead of being a mistake, I am the Lord's treasured possession. As I was standing in that mirror this morning, I saw nothing positive. I was questioning everything, including my spiritual faith. The past 10 months have been really rough for me and it has been an emotional roller coaster. I've experienced more pain, heartache, people close to me walking away from me, loss of relationships, negative thoughts about myself, feeling and thinking that I am not good enough, and pure sadness! The only good thing that has happened in the last 10 months is the birth and life of my precious daughter; my little angel! I've been through two break-ups, family issues and struggles, the stress of being a single mom, the stress of not only being a single mom but being a single mom and working at a crappy paying job, the stress from living at home (because I cannot afford to live on my own with the crappy paying job that I have), and the list goes on and on. The one thing that sent me over the edge most recently was the whole situation with the guy that I am talking to and me being the "other girl!" When I started questioning my spiritual faith and my relationship with God, I knew that what I was going through was serious. One thing that I struggle with the most is the way that I view myself. I view myself very negatively. The negative outlook on myself hinders a lot of other aspects of my life. One thing I had to keep in mind is that no matter what I or anyone else says about me, God only speaks the truth.
Understanding that has made a huge difference in my life. I recognize that God has a plan for my life, and He created me just the way that I am for His special purpose. I may not like the plan that God has set forth for me, I may not think that it is the right plan for me but when you believe in His word, you put trust in Him and you must recognize that He will never lead you somewhere that you don't belong. In my hardest time, the Lord has showed me that I am nothing less than a blessing and a gift. We all have a choice and we are the only ones who can make that choice. We have the choice to either believe and fill our minds and hearts with God's truth or listen to other people, and sometimes our own negativity and be sad and miserable. Listening to God's truth is not always easy. Sometimes it may hurt, because the truth is not always pleasant. I've quickly realized that God made me the way he wanted me. He made me to serve a purpose and I am the only one that can serve out that purpose! If I spend my time wishing I was different, or wishing I looked different, then I will never get around to accomplishing the things that God created me to do.
Satan will do anything in his power to get you side tracked and prohibit you from fulfilling the Lord's purpose for you! John 10:10 says, "The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest." Satan is a great manipulator! He is easy to fall into. He's a smooth criminal. Staying focused is the key. When Satan implants lies into my mind, I beat him over the head with the truth of God (God's Word)! God has given me a specific purpose and He has given me a specific purpose and He has given me talents and my desire is to glorify Him by utilizing the gifts/talents He's given me and to serve His purpose for me!
I make mistakes all the time, everyone does BUT God does not. Proverbs 3:5 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding." Jesus is my best friend. I love Him! I am fully His! The most important thing in my life is to please Him and share His word with others. The most truthful person is God and He will always be the most truthful!
Believe in Him and turn to Him!
He's always there and He will never let you down!
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