Good morning world!
Wow. So this morning has been a morning full of thought. (This was written a few days ago...I just added more to it this morning)
There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my soul this morning. I usually don't wake up with a mind full of stuff but for some reason this morning I have a lot on my mind. I've been strongly thinking about the situation with my high school love. There is so much going on and at one point in time, we were extremely happy.
Everything was perfect.
But since June, everything has done a 360.
He started "having doubts" and broke up with me for whatever reason!
He said that he still wants to be Alana's father figure but as far as him and I, we needed to back up.
He left me with no explanation at all......Nothing
That was and is the hardest part!
All I wanted was an explanation.....a reason....SAY SOMETHING.....ANYTHING!
But I didn't even get that......do you really not have enough respect for me to at least give me an explanation?!
It is really frustrating.
The thing that is even more confusing about the whole situation is how random it was.
Pretty much what happened was I started noticing that things were different. It wasn't anything huge, but little things that meant a lot to me were different. He had stopped doing certain things and such.
It scared me....I was nervous.
Especially since the past that we had and I waited for him and there was always a piece of me that was holding onto him and I always prayed and dreamed that I would be with him and after 4 years of desperation, we finally got together and to be quite frank; the thought of losing him was an immortal fear!
When we got together, EVERYTHING was perfect! We never argued, I loved being around him and hated being away from him....it was the absolute best time of my life (at that moment in my life)...
Then all of the sudden, things changed. Things like, him saying I love you, us spending time together, etc. He was SO busy with something that he is involved in and I started to feel like it was an excuse. Like he was using that as a reason to be too busy to spend time with Alana and I! It was so disheartening. I could not stand it.
I was terrified to ask if everything was okay because I think that there was a part of me that knew that I was going to get an answer that I really didn't want. Sooo....I prolonged asking "the question" for as long as I could. When it got to a point that I could not stand it anymore (but I was still too terrified to ask anything), I just changed the signature on my phone that shows when I send a text message.
Somehow, I thought that it would spark the conversation and that I would get the answers that I was looking for from the signature change.
Well, he noticed that I had changed it.
He asked me about the change in my signature via text.
When he asked me about it, reality set in and I just told him that I was fine and that my signature was not in regards to anything specific but just life in general! And then I said, "Everything is fine as far as I know, unless you know something that I don't!"
His snotty response was, "It's your signature, what would I know?"
I was thinking...why is he getting rude? There is no need to be rude!
He called me.....he said, "I noticed that you changed your signature and I was just making sure that everything was okay and that it wasn't about something to do with our relationship!"
Well, that should have been my opening to tell him how I was feeling.....but once again, the thought of telling him how I was feeling and him walking away was absolutely terrifying! I could not stomach the thought!
I said, "Nope, nothing to do with our relationship! I am fine!"
And that was the end of our conversation.
So naturally, at that point, I thought that everything was fine! I was relieved and felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off my shoulders!
Well, for the rest of the day we texted back and forth and everything seemed fine!
That night, it went back to being absolutely weird....he was being really short and everything.
I hated it when he would get like that!
Finally....I had enough.
I could NOT take it anymore!
I finally broke down and asked the question.....
My exact message said, "Babe are you sure that everything between you and I are okay on your end?"
And that was where my heartache began......he text back and said, "I mean, to be honest, I want to continue being Alana's father but I am having doubts about you and I!"
That was the message that I was hoping to never get.....and unlucky me got it.....
I was heartbroken by him for now the 2nd time......
I was experiencing a feeling that I was hoping to not experience with him ever again.....
After that, we did not speak for a month and a half...I would text him every once in a while and I would never get a response, I would call here and there and I would never get a response, he didn't even bother to call and check on Alana at all and see how she was doing; NOTHING....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
For a minute, I started to feel like I was dealing with EJ again and once I start getting that feeling, it is NEVER good......
In August, I randomly got a text from him asking me how I was doing and how I had been doing, asking about how Alana was doing, etc. I was absolutely floored to be hearing from him. He pulled the whole, I miss you thing and asked if we could meet up. I went and met up with him and spent about 2 hours or so with him.
It went well.
I felt like I did when we first got together except for I knew when I left from being with him that I would be back to square one!
Time went on and I was texting him all the time and sometimes I would get a response and sometimes I wouldn't but it was more likely that I didn't get a response versus getting one....
He would text me after not hearing from me for days and days and be like, "I haven't heard from you. I was getting worried. Is everything okay?"
Wow, really? What if everything wasn't okay? What if something happened to me? What if this, what if that? Those are all the things that I would say to myself.
You weren't too worried about me when you didn't hear from me but yet it takes 3 or 4 days of not hearing from me before you become worried? That is wonderful!
And then I started to ask myself, "Why is it that I always have to make the initial effort in communication?" "Why can't he take 2 seconds to call or text me and see how I am doing?"
Instead, you wait to hear from me.......really freaking lovely!
That is what you do with someone who you "love"? Wow, how times have changed!
That went on for a while and I finally started to really sit down and think about it and think about what I wanted out of life for Alana and myself but Alana first and foremost.
I had many conversations with my best friend, Danielle, about this whole situation and she really helped me process things (oh goodness, what would I do without Danielle). She is almost like a superhero and a savior. She is the greatest and gosh, I don't know what I would do without her!
This is the realization that I came to (as hurtful as it is).....
First, I love him and I know that he loves me, however, I love him a lot more than he loves me! I realized that I would have sacrificed and given ANYTHING (probably too much) to be with him and make him happy and keep everything going strong. I changed a lot of things that I used to do in hopes that it would make things better and we could work things out. I practically changed who I am as a person which is totally unacceptable. I want to be able to be myself and be real, not have to live a double personality. Secondly, I realized that I was putting in entirely too much effort (which is why I quit trying so hard to communicate with him). All the things that he says on a daily basis are all the things that he did not do! I was so confused. Third, he made me make promises to him that he couldn't keep towards me. For example, he made me promise to never take Alana from him; yet, he distanced himself from Alana. There were many more to go along with that!
I then started to think about a conversation that him and I had not too long ago.
I asked him if he ever saw us being back together. I only asked him that question because I needed to know what kind of path we were on. I needed to know if there was even a chance before I started putting my life on hold or moving on in life. I just needed to know something. Anything.
His response to me was, let's see what the future holds. Whatever happens, happens........
At that moment, I was even more crushed than I was to begin with.
It took me a few days to process that. Once again, I turned to Danielle (my savior) and talked with her about it and she really helped me process everything like she always does. She pointed out a lot of things and the final realization that I came to on the response that I got from him was this (and this is written as me talking to myself in my head): It is not fair to me to put my life on hold for something that has no concrete foundation of working or ever happening. He is selfish and he is using the "whatever happens, happens" as a safety net so that way he doesn't have to take the blame for hurting me when I get hurt AGAIN! He can use that line and then when things don't work or absolutely nothing stems from us, then he can say, "Well, I told you to lets just see what the future holds and whatever happens, happens!" That is so selfish and he is self-centered and clearly does not care about anyone but himself! What a butt hole...ugh! There is obviously no path or direction and I cannot continue to live this way. I need happiness. I need strength and stability in a relationship and all the other areas that come with this thing called life. I need someone who loves and cares about me and my daughter! I don't want someone to support Alana because she is solely MY responsibility BUT I need someone who is accepting of her and who loves her and cares about her well-being and her life. I need someone who understands me. I need someone who understands what it is like to be a parent. I need someone is not selfish and who is willing to give themselves and all of themselves to me and ONLY me. I need someone who is comforting and willing to be true, honest, and loyal. These are the things that I need. I cannot continue to hold on to absolutely nothing. I cannot continue to put everything into nothing. I need a direction, a path, a plan.....and with him, I have none of the above! I am in the dark trying to find my way all on my own in a situation that takes 2 people! I am officially moving on. I am not holding onto that anymore. I am not going to postpone my life and miss other potentially great opportunities and experiences. I am not going to allow him to use me for his convenience. I am not going to allow him to keep hurting me. I am putting a stop to all of it. No more calling him. No more texting him. No more trying to make arrangements to see him. No more of any effort at all! As hard as it is, it is something that I have to do. It is something that I need to do. It is not because I feel like being that way to be rude or spiteful; it is strictly for my own sanity. I need to have sanity above all things and if I don't make this extremely hard decision and do what I know I need to do then I will never have sanity and I will never have peace.
Peace has to be my reality. And this is possible, partially at my expense!
On top of that, if I continue to allow things to be the way that they are right now then I will be the one that ends up devastated and destroyed. And.....he will always feel like I am "plan b" and that is not how this is going to work. I refuse to be treated unfair and I refuse to be used. We teach others how to treat us! I cannot allow myself to be a plan b for anyone. That is not fair!
When I first came to this realization, I thought that I was being self-centered and selfish but now that I look back on it; I am not the selfish or self-centered one....HE IS! He is the one that is only worried about himself.
There is slowly a lot of resentment and harsh feelings that are stemming from this and I don't want to feel that way towards him because I do withhold a lot of love and feelings for him, but I have to set boundaries and limitations somewhere........
AND...IT BEGINS NOW!
I want to leave you with this:
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. -Hebrew 11:1-
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