Thirteen years ago, my daddy and his wife (now they are divorced) found out that they were granted with one of the most beautiful gifts ever created; another life.
There were a lot of things going on in the Smith Household and there was a lot of happiness, joy, smiles, laughter, and excitement.
I was only eight years old.
I was so excited. I couldn't believe that I was going to be a big sister.
I was an only child (and although I loved being the only child, I wanted a baby brother or sister).
The thought of having a baby brother or sister was the most exciting thought ever. It was something that I had always dreamed of and I always asked my daddy when he was going to have another baby.
Well, it happened. Yay!
The pregnancy was going great. Things at home were great. I don't think that what was going on really set in for me because I was so excited and having a baby brother or sister was something that I could never fathom (probably due to the fact that I was eight and had always been an only child).
Days passed.....
Months passed.....
Well, it was Valentine's Day (February 14, 2001).
I was in the third grade. I had Mrs. Pickett. She was an amazing teacher.
I was so excited about Valentine's Day! It was a day of eating candy and sharing Valentine's with your friends and classmates. We were having a class party and I was super excited.
The day was going wonderful. We did our work for the day and then the class party started. I got to spend time with friends and classmates and well, I was only eight so it seemed like a huge deal.
The school day was almost over....I looked up and saw my dad standing at the door of my classroom.
"Hmmm...Odd", I thought....my dad worked a lot and he never came to my school...unless I was in trouble!
So I internally panicked! I started retracing the events of the day to see if maybe I had done something bad that I was going to be in trouble for!
I couldn't think of anything that I could have been in trouble for so I played it off....however, it was nice and quite exciting to see my daddy at my school (and it meant a lot to me, especially since my dad is my EVERYTHING)!
My dad continued to talk to my teacher for what felt like eternity and then finally he motioned for me to come to him.
I walked over to him and my teacher (internally frightened)
My dad looked at me and said, "I am here to pick you up"
At that point, I became really scared.
As we were driving home, I looked over at my dad and he had an expression on his face that I had never seen before....it frightened me even more. Nothing about that five minute car ride home was soothing...at all!
Due to the expression on my dad's face, I asked dad if everything was okay and he said that he would talk to me when we got home.
Children have very strong instincts and they can sense when things are wrong.
I looked at dad and said, "Is something wrong with Bubba?"
At that very moment, I saw nothing but pain and despair in my dad's eyes.
His look portrayed a void, an emptiness, and a crushed heart.
When we got to the house, I got out of the car and I walked in the house and my step mom was pacing through the house absolutely hysterical.
I asked dad what in the world was going on and he told me to come to him.
I walked over to him and sat on his lap and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and told me the words that I dreaded to hear:
"Desi, Austin didn't make it. He passed away and Tara's belly!"
I lost all control....I was devastated. I cried and asked God why! I didn't understand.
I was young and I asked my daddy why God would take him from us. Austin was His (God's) child too so why would he take him.......
At that point, I had encountered the worst feeling that I have ever felt in my entire life.
I was young and confused! I didn't understand! I thought God was mean for taking my baby brother. It was just absolutely awful!
That night was emotional torture. It was hell!
Dad told me that Tara would be going to the hospital really early the next morning to give birth to Austin....
Me being so young and not understanding what the process was, I asked daddy if Austin was alive again! He told me no but that he has to come out of Tara's belly...he can't stay in there cause it will make Tara extremely sick.
The next morning, we all got up extremely early and loaded up to go to Memorial Hospital.
They induced Tara and hours and hours went by.....
I finally fell asleep in the waiting room.....
I woke up to my daddy telling me that Austin was born......Tara had given birth!
I was crushed!
I wanted to see him, hold him, touch him, kiss him, love him, and all the other things that come with being a big sister......
Then reality hit......all of it would only be temporary!
My dad told me that seeing Austin would be too much for me to handle emotionally.....
I was told that he was handsome, fully developed, and he looked like an angel!
Although my dad was probably right when he told me that it was too much for me to handle cause I was so young, I still wanted to see him. It was so hard to know that I would not be able to see him!
That was probably the hardest thing that I have ever experienced throughout my life. It was awful!
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I have struggled with his loss for 12 years. It has not become an easier over the years. In fact, I think the pain gets stronger with the older that I get.
I sit and think about him all the time and where he would be right now!
I think about whether he would be with my dad or Tara, I think about whether he would be playing football or baseball, I think about how he would be doing in school, I think about him and I horse playing and wrestling, I think about him horse playing and wrestling with OUR daddy, I think about how much of an amazing father he would have.....and the list goes on and on!
It is so sad! I wish that all of these things were reality and not just thoughts....
The worst part is, I can actually picture all these things.
Mine and Austins' dad is an amazing person. He is strong, successful, determined, persistent, etc.
I know that Austin would have turned out to be an amazing young man and that when he grew up and became an adult that he would be an awesome, nice, polite, kind, and generous man as well! He would have been a lot like our daddy...I just know it!
I know that my dad misses him a lot too.
I don't get to go see him as much as I would like and I know that our daddy doesn't get to go to his grave and see him as much as he would like but we never forget him and he is constantly in our thoughts and prayers.
I know that my Bubba is up in Heaven and he is absolutely enjoying himself. I wish that I could take a trip to Heaven to meet him and spend time with him.....
One day, I will have the opportunity to be with him and do all the things that we should have done as kids and growing up throughout our life.
On February 1st, 2013, Austin became an uncle. I know that my Bubba played a part in blessing me with Alana and I know that he was with me in my hospital room the day that I gave birth.
I could not see him but I could feel him. I know that he was watching over me and making sure that I had an easy delivery and I know that he looks over Alana every day and that he blesses her.
He protects us.
I also know that he looks over our daddy. I bet he rides shotgun in daddy's patrol car every night and makes sure that he stays safe while he is at work and risking his life to help, save, protect, and serve, the citizens in our community.
I know that Austin is proud of our daddy and that he played a big part in daddy being able to have the career that he always wanted and always dreamed of having!
Sometimes, I think that we lose focus of what Austin actually does for our lives but we cannot forget about him and I never will. I just wish that I could see how handsome he has grown up to be.
The holidays are the worst. Valentine's Day (the day we found out he was gone) is absolutely horrible, I hate Valentine's Day :(
His birthday is 14 days after Alana's and those are depressing as well. Ughh I just wish that he could be here to share those special times with us and our family.
One thing I want him to know is that he is not loved any less just because he is not here with us.
We love him unconditionally just like we would have if God would not have taken him from us.
One thing that I have to remember and that I also have to tell myself frequently is this, "Even though we want him to be here with us and even though we miss him dearly, God needed him for a better purpose!"
I know that Austin has done some pretty amazing things in Heaven and I know that he has and is fulfilling his purpose.
Heaven is a much safer place than here.
God needed an angel.....just so happens, He had to take ours!
Austin, sissy loves you and your niece loves you and we will never ever forget about you. You are in our hearts, thoughts, and prayers and we will see you one day! I love you and be good up there! Serve your purpose Bubba and be a voice for others.....continue watching over the family and keeping us safe.
And please keep daddy safe at work!
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